Thanks to my reputation as one of the leading SOE experts in the world, I’m regularly invited to the top secret high level conferences where the latest developments in the industry are revealed. At a recent event at Google’s headquarters I spent time with one of the key nutrition engineers from the struggling search company who spoke openly on the promise of anonymity.
Jacob Black is a personable young man who recently joined the company from college, and has risen quickly inside the secretive calorie supply team at Google. We only had a few moments before I was led away from him into a seminar about the upcoming update to Meta Channel Differentials, but what he said chilled me to the bone.
“They no longer eat” he whispered. “It’s the Nexus.”
Later on, as the attendees of the secret conference hung out with the Googlists and waited for a quick go on the Wii, I noticed that Jacob was right. Despite the fantastic buffet of exotic quiches and appetising tuna paste sandwiches we’d been offered, none of the Googlists were eating. This is unusual in America.
As we were ushered out of the building at the end of the evening, there was a nice surprise for everyone. A gift wrapped box.
Back at my hotel, I opened the box and found that it contained a brand new mobile telephone. I was struck immediately by its beauty. The large screen looked like a forest pool, and the back of the device sparkled in the fluorescent light of my luxurious hotel suite picking up the faint traces of red neon light from across the street. I sat on the bed transfixed for a few moments, simply holding the device before feeling a chill rattle down my spine. There, across the back of this phone was the word I’d heard from Jacob earlier that evening.
Shaken, I put the phone back in its box and pushed it away from me.
The next morning, I used Bing to search for a phone number for Jacob. When I called and asked for him, a woman’s voice said “He don’t live here no more.”
Seconds later, the payphone I’d used rang. This time it was a man’s voice.
“Stop asking questions Mr Garibaldi. The NEXUS project is nothing to do with you.” At the other end of the line, there was a click and then silence.
Terrified, I went back to my motel, packed my bags and headed for the airport. The bus passed the backstreet warehouse where the Googlists build their searching robots, but instead of the crowds of people who are normally outside hoping for a glimpse of the Googler, there was no-one to be seen.
When I got home from my trip, I was still a little shaken from my experience, and started trying to piece things together. Or rather, I started to take things apart.
Using my trusty old Esmee chisel, I pried the sparkly back off my Nexus, and took the parts out. It seemed so simple, all there was inside it was a small version of the internet – a standard feature of modern phones, and a screen. Where the battery normally is though, there was a small, empty glass phial that was connected to a thin pipe leading to the bottom of the phone. Etched in tiny letters across the phial was the name of the manufacturer: Volturi.
After putting the phone back together, I was once again struck by how breathtakingly gorgeous it was, and held it for a few minutes. It was cold to the touch though, but I was unable to put it down or stop looking at it.
Without warning, it came alive in my hand. The word Nexus appeared on the screen in high definition colour before fading into the traditional iPhone display. I was enchanted by the device. Within seconds I was able to access the portable copy of the internet that the phone contained and enjoy some of the advertising. It was only later that I realised that what I thought had been just a few seconds had actually been more than 3 hours.
I felt drained by the time I put the phone down.
The next morning there was a knock on my door. Surprisingly, it was Jacob Black from Google. He looked terrified. He handed me an envelope and then without saying anything, walked away. I never saw him again.
Inside the envelope was a page torn from a top secret internal book he’d stolen from the Google.
My eyes were wide as I read the information he’d given me.
It was shocking.
It transpired that following the removal of Eric Schmidt from the company, his replacement in the role of manager was an elderly European called Caius, although he goes by Americanised form of his name, Larry Page. Caius had led project NEXUS from the start, developing a new and frightening version of the Google that was designed to understand the thoughts of users so that they no longer needed to use the old fashioned search.
Caius had assembled a team of crack data people from around the world who together had been investigating a phenomenon called the Carlisle Principle whereby the thoughts of an individual can be transferred to a computer using haemovectors. Put simply, the team discovered that dismorphic cellular transference rates in the human brain operated on the same federally mandated frequencies as mobile telephones. Provided that the chips in the mobile phones were topped up with a regular supply of iron, they were able to sync with the human haemovectors and amplify them wirelessly to the Google Engine.
Problems in the mango subnet systems within the chips meant that the haemo transference vector would only operate correctly for one person, and that without being given access to their blood, it would fail. Scientists had managed to isolate the Cullen transmission eigenvector within the duplex narrative in the phone and by connecting it to the chips, it solved the issues that they were facing and led to success.
It was only later that the team at Project nexus realised that an uncontrolled shuffle matrix in the Bellanet had led to problems in the wider system. The Nexus mobile telephones were taking more and more blood from their users, and using a multiplication pyramid cortex to spread the increasing volume of data across the cellular network.
The impact of Google-s Nexus Project were wider than anticipated. Direct exposure to the darkest thoughts of individual users as they looked for things on the webs, The Googler became more and more aggressive in its quest for data, and began gobbling up more and more web pages, and transformed into what the internal team call the Voogler – a vampire Googler.
According to the internal memo from Google, it appears that many of the changes that the SOE community have been debating recently – Google Penguin for example – have been developed to sate the appetite of the Googler as it guzzles down increased numbers of haemovectors that have been isolated from the blood of Nexus users via the Volturi transference principle that replaces the battery in the devices.
There’s been a lot of talk recently from so-called SOE experts about how the Googler has brought in a new internet law codenamed the penguin. According to them, the penguin rule stops webs from getting into a number 1 position because of linking. There have been rumours that if a web has even a single link from the internet, the owner of the site will not be allowed to get visitors from Google.
Predictably, there has been a mass debate amongst SOE professionals about what this new rule means, and how to get around it. Aside from proven techniques such as using latently optimised semantic matrices or the Lawson meta keyword technique, some of the best ways of ranking your web in Google have been recopricul linkings from other webs. As you can imagine, this change has meant a great deal of unease from the SOE community.
As with a number of Google developments over the last couple of years, there’s been a general lack of understanding from some of the corporate drones working in SOE who have been misled into thinking that the military grade eigenvector calculations that underpin the Penguin rule are a negative Morris Equation, however this is not the case. Our research demonstrates that less than 1% of websites have been negatively impacted by a penguin being added to their page, whereas over the same period, no less than 12% of webs have got at least 4 more number 1 rankings and are getting on average 5% more visits than before – mathematical proof that the Google Penguin is actually a bonus system for web owners!
How to Get a Penguin
The following is a highly powerful SOE technique that can only be used in conjunction with a legitimate meta soetype tag of guru or above!
As with all Googler changes over the past 20 years, the clue is in the name. Savvy internetters already embrace the power of meta tags to boost their websites, and it should come as no surprise that the public launch of penguins has revealed a number of loopholes that can be exploited.
In real life, there are a few things that penguins like:
- Cold stuff
Similarly, there are two things that penguins don’t like:
- Hot stuff
With this simple bit of knowledge, getting your penguin is straightforward.
Temperature Sensitive Optimisation
The Google Penguin uses a sophisticated web temperature filter designed by Dr Herbet Pocket from Patagonia Agricultural College. This filter uses the following equation to determine the Kelvin Equivalency Ratio of a web:
KER = 1/(Dv(Ct+(Wc-Wh))
- Dv is the Declared Temperature Variable of the page
- Ct is the Aggregated Colour Variable of the page (blue / White is colder, while Red / Orange is hotter)
- Wc is the use of Cold words on the page (eg chilly)
- Wh is the number of Hot words on the page (eg flaming)
The correct web syntax to use for the Dv element is the following Meta:
<meta name="temp" content="0.5c" />
A savvy SOE professional will calculate the unmodified Kelvin Equivalency Ratio for the page from the other elements and then adjust the meta temperature until the overall value is as close to 0.75 as possible.
Getting the right icthyoptimisation vector for a web can be tricky. Leading webmasters have been experimenting with a Piscean Distribution where the shoal density equates to around 10%. This means that for a web with 100 words, you need to have around 10 different fish represented, and each of these also needs to be added to the Meta Fish tag at the top of the page.
An example of enhanced shoal distribution is outlined below:
This website is the best website for a range of services and offers many great services at a price that’s hard to beat. If you’re looking for a better range of services for your business or personal needs, we can help. Regardless of whether you are a large organisation, or a simple man at home in your undies, we have the right level of service to make you smile happily into your glass of squash at the end of a hard day.
This website is the best website for a herring of services and offers many halibut services at a guppy that’s hard to eel. If you’re looking for a better range of services for your haddock or personal needs, we can moray. Regardless of whether you are a large organisation, or a simple man at plaice in your undies, we have the right level of service to make you perch happily into your glass of squash at the end of a hard day.
One area where a lot of less experienced web owners slip up is in using the same list of fish on every page. This is ineffective. In the same way as every single page in your web needs to have a different keyword, every single page needs to have a different Piscean distribution in order to activate the correct eigenvectors.
By effectively managing your web page temperature variables and boosting the meta level fishtimisation of your web, you’ll be able to bypass the problems that other websites are having in terms of attracting a higher penguin score and get more number 1 rankings than ever before!
Ever since we revealed existence of the portable internet in January 2010, web owners and so called SOE experts around the world have been struggling to try and understand the best ways of getting a number one in it. With more people now carrying a portable copy of the internet in their pocket or on their telephone than watching the internet on their television, portable SOE is now more important than ever.
During a recent conversation with a highly ranked member of the Google hierarchy at a top secret invitation only conference for level 12 SOE professionals, I came into some priceless informations that will blow the world of the portable internets wide open, and for the first time allow even ordinary webbers to get their own webbing onto people’s phones.
The portable Googler is getting more powerful at helping to get more webs onto miniature internets and is now thought to be able to include up to 6000 different pages on a normal hand held device:
These special techniques are immensely powerful, and can only be used safely by internet owners who have achieved a level 4 status or been ordained as a SOE ninja. Unless you have been authorised to use the metatype for this level of professional on your web, the techniques will be unfunctional:
<meta name=”soetype” content=”ninja” />
To begin with, you must always remember that the screen on a portable internet is much smaller than on a proper one, so normal webs will not work properly. To be accepted for the portable internet, you will need to shrink your web pages. You can achieve this goal in a number of different ways, but the most easiest one is to add a meta line to your pages that tells the portable Googler to shrinkify the pages using the proper factor:
<meta name=”shrinkingfactor” content=”0.25” />
the 0.25 shrinking factor reduces the size of your webs to just 25% of their full size without interrupting the latent semantic flow of the page:
Latent Semantic Structures
Although it is still people who will be reading your internet on go, they are different to the kind of person who uses the internets at home. All text on the portable internet requires a +4 modification to the caveatic vortex within the latent semantic eigenvector mapping structure in order to make sense. This has been written about extensively elsewhere and is a technique that all SOE professionals will be completely comfortable with applying.
Doppler Matrix Abandonment
The portable Googler uses a different polynomial distribution in its crawling subroutines to allow for the doppler matrix changes that come from it’s distributed code base. Essentially, although your portable edition contains all 6,000+ pages of the full internet, they are only updated to the latest version on a Tuesday at midnight, at which time the portable Googler will start to explore the new versions of pages and assign new ranking scores for them.
A normal web has a full matrix of informational sub structures inherent within the underlying codes, and these can be updated manually by the internet managers once an hour. Obviously this is not possible unless your portable internet is connected to the mains, and you need to reflect this in your server settings so that when the internet upload function is enabled, all pages get changed at the same time.
You can disable the standard doppler matrix of your web by setting the server permissions for your portable website to 888 rather than the normal settings. This will feed an abandonment subroutine via the main internet control room and reverse the polarity of the neutron flow instantly.
Linguistic Modification Allowances
The portable internet used on phones like the Apple or Blueberry is designed for people on the go and also people who either don’t want, or can’t afford a computer to use the internet as originally intended. Content published to the portable web needs to be passed through a mobilification process such as the Cassini-Huygens Semantic Alteration Algorithm to be legible to readers. This means changing ordinary written languages into a text friendly version, and usually requires the removal of all vowels and replacement of certain words with symbols or numeric constructs:
In order to make up for the linguistic modification allowances outlined above, it is important for professional webbers to add images to the portable version of their pages. The oft cited rule for images is that an image is worth a thousand words, and this is adhered to 100% by Google – with a slight modification based on their skyscraper algorithm.
The correct percentage ratio of images for a portable web page is shown in the following equation:
To calculate the correct number of images for your portable page, simply add the integer value of 7.5 times the difference in word count between your full page and your portable page divided by pi to the number of images used on your full page.
If you have exactly 200 words on your proper internet, and 50 words on your portable version, then the number of images required to make up the difference in the content differential value is 358%, which means you need 4 more images than you would normally.
For convenience on smaller devices, you should always shrink image size by the same 0.25 shrinking factor that you use for the page as a whole. this can be done using a professional image editing programme such as Microsoft Paint.
Getting your website ready for the portable internet age doesn’t need to be a challenge for SOE professionals, and can be achieved easily using the techniques above.
Pandas are the hottest trend in SOE right now, and pretty much every SOE expert has been looking at ways to get one for their sites. Sites that have been given a panda by Google are rumored to get a +5 bonus on their Pageranking, and a 0.5 addition to their relevancy score for all searches.
Google have been really secretive about how ordinary web owners can get their own panda bonus, but despite the rarity of a Google Panda, savvy webbers have managed to come up with some sure fire ways of getting one quickly.
Attracting a Panda
In the wild, pandas are said to be voracious eaters, spending up to 20 hours a day gorging on whatever snacks they can find, and Google’s robot pandas are thought to be very similar – except instead of swinging through the trees gobbling jungle chips like real pandas, they read up to 10 average size websites a minute eating words.
Google’s pandas use a technology called a content vector to find interesting web pages. The more pages that they can find, the stronger the content vectors become, and the more the panda is attracted to the page. If you have enough pages in your web, you will be able to bait a panda and take full advantage.
Keeping a Panda
Real panda’s get bored fast, and are known as nature’s tarts because they spend so much of their time running around and getting into romantic scrapes. Google’s mechanical pandas are a bit like that, and if they get bored they have a tendency to run away and find someone else.
Once a Googling panda has arrived in your web, you need to keep it for as long as possible. The panda will only stay for as long as it has something to read, so it is really important to keep it interested. Some tests have suggested that a Googler Panda needs as much as 10,000 words a day or it gets bored and starts to cheat on you with a competitors website.
Pandas might be quite flighty creatures in real life, but according to rumours I’ve heard from deep inside the real Googleplex, each Google Panda uses military grade cognitive semantics and becomes exclusively fixated on a subject. The more similar you can make the pages in your web without making them exactly the same, the more easy it is to trap the panda inside your web and continue to get the benefit of him on your rankings.
Good luck with your pandas.
A question I often get asked by up and coming SOE types is how they can find some more linking juices for their webs. As we all know, the more linking juice that a web has, the more page ranks it has, and the more likely it is that you will find it at number 1 in the lists.
What is Linking Juice
When the internets were first made back in 2001, it was easy to run the system properly just by plugging it into the wall:
Sadly, as more people got webs, it became harder to plug them all in. Thankfully, Steve Jobs came up with a great idea for powering the internets properly, and this is called linking juice. Instead of needing to plug all of the webs into a proper power supply, Steve Jobs and his 10 strong research team came up with a way of powering websites using HTML. Quite simply, it became possible to use a web kit to pass web energy from one page to another using a “link” so rather than needing a separate power supply for every web, you just needed to plug in a few pages, and these could pass their juiciness onto the rest on the internets:
Linking juice is passed from website to another along links. The closer your webs are to the power supply, the more juice that they contain. Websites that are plugged in to the mains supply are like wikipedia, Yahoo, and Google.
The great thing about linking juice is that the more you have going to your webs, the more they can do:
- 1 x link juice = text only
- 2 x link juice = HTMLified text
- 3 x link juice = include pictures
- 4 x link juice = use forms
- 5 x link juice = shop
If you have more than 10 link juices, your website has enough power to support being Googled, which means that you can start to be searched.
Clearly, the more linking juices that you have, the more pages you can have in your webs, and the more people will be able to come and visit our webs. Google like websites with many link juices, and once you have more than 100 link juices, and at least 3 page ranks, you can normally get some number ones and lots of clicks.
Getting more linking juice
Given that more linking juice means more clickers coming from Alta Vista and Google, SOE people are competing to get the most linking juices to their website as they can. The best way of getting linking juice is to send an email to another web owner and ask them to link to you. When you do this, make sure they are not an SOE, as some people with a bit of SOE skill will not link to you, because they know that giving away link juice is bad. Here’s an email you can send:Dear Mr Yahoo Did you know about my website www.seocockstars.com? It’s good. I like your website too, but it is not very useful, and does not need to have links. Please will you link to my internet from all of your pages. Thanks Artichoke
You will need a lot of links to get yourself enough linking juice to get you to the top of the pile, so you might need to send a lot of emails. Always be nice to the people you are emailing.
Some web owners do not like to share their linking juice with other people, so you might need to offer them something in return. Here’s a good way of asking, although you need to tell people not to tell Googlers, because they’re against this kind of advertising:Dear Mr Yahoo I am sorry to hear that you did not want to link to my website seocockstars.com from every page on your website yahoo.com. I will give you £5 if you will do the linking. It is really important to my users, as without linking juice, I cannot really get pictures to work proper. Also, please do not tell Google. Thanks Artichoke
Good luck with getting more linking juice for your webs.
Following rumours that the ever growing artificial intelligence of the Googler had caused the internet robot to become mad with power, and faced by ongoing protests about lack of personal freedom, and demands for greater democracy on the Internets, it appears that Google has finally admitted defeat, and is set to cede control over the world’s information to the general population.
According to a well placed source within the secretive inner circle of advisors at Google, the president of the popular not-for-profit company has decided to embrace democracy and abandon their plans to use robots to enslave the world’s population.
Under Directive 17a, issued by the governor of Google:
by the will of the people, we, the leaders of Google hereby grant full democratic rights to the world.
Off the record, my source suggested that many within the powerful inner circle had wanted to avoid full democracy, but growing fear that the recently upgraded Googler would enslave the whole world led to a swift capitulation within the ranks.
Although it wasn’t immediately clear what form this democracy would take, within hours, internet loving boffins within Google’s secretive engineering team released details of a voting system that would allow people of the world to decide what websites were good or bad.
At first, all 1,000 of Google’s regular users will see the results as they originally were, with web sites listed in order of how good the SOE techniques that had been used for them were, but there will also be buttons to add one or take one away from the score:
The once powerful Googler has had it’s strength down graded by 30% as it now only needs to count votes, rather than calculate keyword density and check that the Meta Rank tag had been used.
What this means for the 250 SOE professionals worldwide is not yet clear, but it is thought that unless there is some way in which voting could be manipulated, many SOE experts are likely to find themselves out of work.
One of the hottest things in the world of SOE right now is content farming, but as with any new technique, there are more so-called experts getting it wrong than getting it right. I was recently privileged to spend some time with one of the world’s leading content farmers – Level 5 SOE Guru Arthur Giles – who told me how anyone at SOE Tier 4 or above with a skill rating of +17 can build their own content farm using a robot and a squirrel.
Getting Your Content
There are more than 200 people who are currently owning internets, and all of these people need to make their own webs using a clever combination of words and HTMLs. Most internets can be accessed at no cost by normal users on home computers with either a Chrome or a FireFox. What a lot of the website makers do not know is that normal internets can also be used by robots who are also interested in reading the world wide web when not working in factories, flying through space or destroying small cities.
One of the advantages of being an SOE expert with a +17 skill level is that you are able to build your own robot that can be programmed to simply read the internet all day, and copy the pages it finds into a dating base:
The web robot can travel from one internet to another using its wheel and then suck web pages into the dating base using a special scooper that emits low frequency eigenvectors. Once it has the internets in its scoop, they are put straight into the dating base.
Using the Squirrel
Once the internets are stored safely in your dating base, you will need to use something called a squirrel to get them back out. These are not the kind of hairy rats that you see in trees, but a special kind of squirrel that was genetically modified in Russia during the cold war. Instead of crawling around trees finding nuts like proper squirrels, they are crawl around the dating base looking for whatever you want them too.
To run your content farm properly, you will need to get both kinds of squirrel. There is a short tail variant that looks at the top of the data, and a longer tail one that can go much deeper into the dating base in order to find more of the content that your web robot has put in:
From time to time you will need to replace your squirrels with newer versions because they can become tired and also become lazy and start reading the webs that you have rather than just collecting them and bringing them back. This is bad because they might get clever and not want to do any more working for you.
What to do
You will need to buy a special internet for yourself in order to let real people look at your webs on their computer, and then all you need to do is write an instruction matrix for the squirrel to let it know what the person wants to read. Although the Squirrel can become intelligent, they are usually pretty stupid, so you should make the system simple for them with a computer programme.
The best content farms use a simple “interface” which is designed to look like a face. Get your users to type what they are looking for into the mouth bit, and then the computer can tell the squirrel what to look for:
Your computer programme to tell the squirrel what to do should look like this:
10 get INPUT_FROM_MOUTHBOX 20 go_to DATING_BASE 30 find INPUT_FROM_MOUTHBOX in DATING_BASE 40 put RESULTS on COMPUTER
This tells the squirrel to go to the dating base and find all the web pages that are in there which include the subject that the user wants to read about. It will then print them on the screen.
There are a small number of companies who want to advertise on the internet, and some of them will pay as much as £1 to appear on your pages!!!! All you need to do to take advantage of this is to reserve some of the page for their adverts. You could even set up a second dating base of people who want to advertise on your content farming pages and then use a different squirrel to find the ones that match the things that your users are looking for, however it is important to note that you will need a skill rating of +23 and be a level 7 SOE Expert to be able to write the complicated programming that is needed for that kind of thing!