Archive for June, 2010

Evidence that Google is Evil?

As one of the world’s top SOE consultants, I am privy to a lot more information about the internal workings of Google and other searching engines like Dogpile, but even I was shocked recently when I overheard a discussion between two well placed insiders that revealed a dark truth about what is really going on at Google.

My contact, who claims to be a level 9 Hygiene Consultant within the Human Matter Management division at the searching giant has provided me with a shocking dossier that proves without a shadow of a doubt the evil at the heart of Google…

Evil Googler

Is the Googler Evil?

Exhibit A: Googly Logo

The Google Logo might look like a nice happy word, but look closer.  When you magnify the Google logo to 1,000 times its normal resolution on the screen, it is clear that there are barely perceptible lines around certain letters that turn the logo into something much more sinister, as shown in the computationally enhanced image below:

666gle

Hidden numbers in the Google logo!

The numbers 666 are clearly visible within the deeper contextual pixelation of the word, hidden in plain sight for the dozens of people who visit the page each day.

Exhibit B: Mission Statement

Google’s stated aim as a business is to “not be evil”.  Simply by removing the first word from this statement, we are left with the pseudo semantic substructure of hatred that actually underpins one of the world’s most famous companies:

Don't Be Evil

Don't? Be Evil

Indeed, if you were to actually spend the time to do a Googly for the phrase “Be Evil”, Google itself is listed at position 7!

Exhibit C: Function

Many members of the illuminati, who are often very evil, believe that their role is to enlighten humanity with access to information.  Sound familiar??????

Exhibit D: Content

Thanks to its extensive use of linguistic function analysis, and the use of high frequency deep level semantic eigenvector distribution throughout its collocated searching engine, the Googler provides near instant access to more than 1000 different pages of information including around 350 unique types of pornography making up around 50% of the total:

Content of the Internet

Content of Google's Internet

As every good school boy knows, self abuse is part of the temptation triangle, and that simply thinking about one’s parts of shame is sufficient to descend to damnation.  The fact that the Googler provides access to Germanic volumes of mucky pictures is all the evidence you need to know that the Googler is evil.

Be careful out there!

Namaskara

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Black Hat Tips

As one of the world’s leading SOE professionals, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked by clients is what kind of hat they should use while optimising their websites.  While my own preference is to optimise only whilst wearing a white cap, there are other options available.

In this post, I reveal many of the most intensely guarded black hat tips used by the “Order du Chapeau Noir” – a highly secretive organisation that I managed to infiltrate over the last few months, and which should put anyone wanting to try out black hats for SOE into a great position!

Black Beret

Black Beret

Black Beret

The Black Beret is a type of hat principally worn by the French.  It is most useful when optimifying a website that is structured around a clear heuristic sensibility, and of particular use within the cheese industry.

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

This timeless classic has long been a favourite of city financiers and inscrutable Chinese Valets, as such, it is commonly used by people working in the finance vertical.  The use of black bowler hat SOE techniques such as Clear Unified Natural Tropism will generally result in a +4 to all skill rolls when optimating a website for the keyword “long term repayment mortgage”.  This hat is particularly effective when you are doing the optimisation in Ask Jeeves.

Black Cap

Black Cap

Black Cap

The favoured hat of the colonists, this workmanlike and simple design is often decried for being basic, however it is most useful when optimising a sporting goods website, and when properly used, can lead to a +2 for stamina on secondary search co-efficients in Google and Bing.

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

The lack of accoutrements on this simple but elegant design make it ideal when working on the high intensity techniques required for developing a long tail mass penetration strategy for Yahoogle.

Black Topper

Black top Hat

Black Topper

The top level black hat club members call this hat “the super effective black hat super star” for a reason.  When you optimicate a website using this astonishing piece of kit, you can see almost instant results across the most intensely competitive clinical keyword groups.

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Due to not being a proper hat, the Fascinator is still effective when doing a little bit of optimication on a black hatted website.  You will normally be able to rank at number 10 or less when you use this for a fashionable website or one selling wedding gear.  Despite being black, it does not work for funeral sites – except in Liverpool.

Black Fedora

Black Fedora

Black Fedora - The ultimate Black Hat!

Only level 9 members of the most secretive order of the Chapeau du Noir are able to successfully utilise the enormous power of the famed black fedora.  This remarkable piece of dark black headgear confers almost limitless power on the wearer when it comes to any type of cross site scripting, or SQL injection technique.  Wearers are able to use otherwise blocked API techniques to mass create blogger domains that use stealth cloaking to block all visitors and redirect using 307 to a pharmacy or predatory lending website.  If the Fedora is used in conjunction with black Ray Bans and leather pants, other Doors are opened to the wearer, including the ability to generate on demand number 1 rankings in Google without the use of more traditional techniques such as Meta Rank, or Latent Semantic Eigenvector Distributions across the Social Hierarchy Graph!

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