Archive for October, 2010

Has the Googler been sniffing through your bin?

Aside from the four figure salary, and the satisfaction of getting one of my keywords into the top 20 results, one of the most rewarding things about being a world leading SOE expert is the endless adulation.  At some searching conferences, I can barely move for young up and coming SOE wannabes waving pieces of paper at me to beg for an autograph and a ranking tip.

Sometimes this goes too far however, and it is not unusual for sneaky black cap SOEs to try and steal my top secret techniques by sitting next to me and trying to catch a glimpse of my notes.  Until recently, I thought that this underhand behaviour was only being done by the darker SOE types, however, in a shocking development it seems that The Googler may well be using a special sniffing technology to steal secret information from SOE professionals.

Rumour has it that the Googler uses a special car and drives around looking for people who are using computers, and then injects a probe into their internet to steal some of their mega bites:

the googler stealing someones internets

the googler stealing someone's internets

No-one is completely certain why the Googler should be so keen to steal other peoples internets, as it is widely believed that it already has more than 700 webs inside its dating centre, although I have my suspectings.

I think that the Insiders at the Googleplex have discovered that someone has cracked the secret code of what will make a website go number one forever.  This could have potentially put them somewhere close to a red alert.  They would need to find out where the secret is hidden and the easiest way to do it is to scan every single internet to find it.

The safest way to stop the Googler sniffing through your cgi bin is to use a firing wall.  This simple device stops unwanted internets from getting into your computer.

Stay safe out there.


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Who is the World’s most influential SOE – Poll

It appears that Peter Jung of Holisticated Search has released a poll looking for the UK’s most influential SOE.  This appears to be utterly invalid for a number of reasons, most importantly that I have been (criminally) overlooked.

Please vote below for the real question – who is really the world’s most influential SOE.

[poll id=”2″]

The poll will run until the end of October, at which point I will publish the results.  Unless I forget.

The 6 Types of SOE

With more than two hundred websites now live on the internets, competition for Page Ranks has never been tougher, and more and more of the webbers are looking for help with the different ways of getting those coveted number ones in the search charts.

Most webbers are understanding that the only ways of getting the number one is to be engaged with an SOE person, but the big question that is always on their lips, is what kind of SOE-er they should work with.

I was lucky enough to be present at a secret searcher conference recently in which a Googler explained that the success in searching is most often down to getting the right kind of SOE work done, something that not all people are able to do.

There are currently 6 types of SOE person who you can use to do your webbing, and these are as follows:

SOE Apprentice

There are thought to be nearly a million SOE apprentices in the world.  Their knowledge and skills are minimal, but they will be keen.  Normally they will be able to spell SOE correctly, and will have heard of the Googler.  If a business were to engage the services of an SOE apprentice to be doing their optimification, they will normally get a number 50 result.

SOE Padawan

Only around 5% of SOE Apprentices ever achieve padawan status.  This is reached after the enlightening (the moment where they become understanding of the PageRanks).  At this point, they are qualified to comment on the SEOMOZ blog, and will be conversant with low level SOE skills such as page titling, and keyword destiny.  An SOE Padawan will be able to get a 20 result in Google for their secondary keywords.

SOE Drone

Of the 50,000 SOE padawans, around 10% can reach the level of SOE drones.  At this point in their development, the drone is able to write an article, and use the Google effortlessly.  These low level staff are usually capable of writing their own blog, but will sometimes make straightforward errors such as failing to include the meta author tag on their pages.

SOE Ninja

The title of SOE Ninja is awarded to the top 100 SOE drones each year.  Typically, only drones with a skill rating of +75 and a knowledge score of +250 will be invited.  To be considered, it is necessary to have 14 Likes on SEOMOZ, and to have commented on SEO Book.  Drones must have also follow all senior SOE experts on the Twittering, and be able to calculate keyword destiny.  A ninja will be provided with access to links and be able to rank a web in the top 10 results for a 3 word phrase.  Companies who are savvy enough to use the services of a ninja can expect great results.

SOE Guru

A guru is one of the leading members of the SOE community, and commands great respect.  These experts are permitted by charter to provide full SOE services including the use of advanced Meta Keywords and Meta Rank tags.  They are also allowed to own their own SOE blog, and publish theoretical information.  Gurus are elected for a three year term, and can extend this by agreement with the board of directors at Dogpile.

Although salaries are not public, some SOE gurus are thought to earn in excess of £5,000 per year from their work, and some own as many as 6 websites of their own.

SOE Warlock

The identity of the SOE warlock is currently unknown, although some have suggested that it is in fact Steve Ballmer.  His mastery of skills is truly remarkable and it is thought that he is able to use his understanding of THE ALGORITHM to simultaneously rank number one for all 500 of the keywords currently available within the internet.

Correct Use of SOE Rank

It is essential for searching success to inform the spider council what type of SOE expert is being used, and there is a meta tag for this purpose.  Search engines will consider the type of SOE who is working on a website when they decide where it should be placed in the chart.  The use of this meta is legally controlled, and incorrect attribution can result in an internet being turned off:

<meta name=”soetype” content=”guru” />

Happy optimising


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