Day 3 in Tramp Land and there’s still no booze. A combination of cut backs and will power has left me with a tongue frozen stuck to a bench (some dream about Rand dressed as a can of Special Brew started it.)
There’s a loud rustling, followed by a siren, voices talking over one another in a conversation that (like a mangy dog trying to bite its none-existent tail), goes round and round in circles.
Someone’s missing. Someone else not there, someone’s late, no one has a clue what’s going on. Re-schedule again?!
A Rustle: “I just want the fucking number for everything.”
SEO Tramp: “It’s there in the table marked ‘Overall’ – you will also notice I’ve separated your metrics so that a percentage contribution can be gauged in line with our consistent performance.”
SEO Tramp: “For fucks sake mate, all that shit we were talking about the other week; Beer before Wine etc”.
SEO Tramp: “What?”
Rustle: “So where are the 9.45 million 307 Redirects we requested?”
SEO Tramp: “In the list I sent but your biggest problem is that most of your visitors leave the site as soon as they enter. I’ve built a custom metric for you based off some analysis I’ve done – I call it Bounce & Hit.”
SEO Tramp wipes the piss off his trousers, pulls his tie up and straightens the carry bags on his feet.
SEO Tramp: “You will see from Figure 1 a typical visitor journey based on several different website models (I’ve collated this data from several ‘typical’ websites.”
SEO Tramp: “As you can see it is a relatively straight forward journey where a visitor proceeds through the least number of stages as possible in order to complete a goal or transaction.“
Suddenly there’s a loud crashing sound. Followed by more talking.
SEO Tramp: “Figure 2 illustrates the current visitor journey through your website.”
SEO Tramp: “Hello? Hello?”
I’m awoke by the sound of the bin men shifting the recycling. I find a dog end and walk off.