Archive for category Black Hat

Has the Googler been sniffing through your bin?

Aside from the four figure salary, and the satisfaction of getting one of my keywords into the top 20 results, one of the most rewarding things about being a world leading SOE expert is the endless adulation.  At some searching conferences, I can barely move for young up and coming SOE wannabes waving pieces of paper at me to beg for an autograph and a ranking tip.

Sometimes this goes too far however, and it is not unusual for sneaky black cap SOEs to try and steal my top secret techniques by sitting next to me and trying to catch a glimpse of my notes.  Until recently, I thought that this underhand behaviour was only being done by the darker SOE types, however, in a shocking development it seems that The Googler may well be using a special sniffing technology to steal secret information from SOE professionals.

Rumour has it that the Googler uses a special car and drives around looking for people who are using computers, and then injects a probe into their internet to steal some of their mega bites:

the googler stealing someones internets

the googler stealing someone's internets

No-one is completely certain why the Googler should be so keen to steal other peoples internets, as it is widely believed that it already has more than 700 webs inside its dating centre, although I have my suspectings.

I think that the Insiders at the Googleplex have discovered that someone has cracked the secret code of what will make a website go number one forever.  This could have potentially put them somewhere close to a red alert.  They would need to find out where the secret is hidden and the easiest way to do it is to scan every single internet to find it.

The safest way to stop the Googler sniffing through your cgi bin is to use a firing wall.  This simple device stops unwanted internets from getting into your computer.

Stay safe out there.

Namaskara.

Tags: ,

Black Hat Tips

As one of the world’s leading SOE professionals, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked by clients is what kind of hat they should use while optimising their websites.  While my own preference is to optimise only whilst wearing a white cap, there are other options available.

In this post, I reveal many of the most intensely guarded black hat tips used by the “Order du Chapeau Noir” – a highly secretive organisation that I managed to infiltrate over the last few months, and which should put anyone wanting to try out black hats for SOE into a great position!

Black Beret

Black Beret

Black Beret

The Black Beret is a type of hat principally worn by the French.  It is most useful when optimifying a website that is structured around a clear heuristic sensibility, and of particular use within the cheese industry.

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

This timeless classic has long been a favourite of city financiers and inscrutable Chinese Valets, as such, it is commonly used by people working in the finance vertical.  The use of black bowler hat SOE techniques such as Clear Unified Natural Tropism will generally result in a +4 to all skill rolls when optimating a website for the keyword “long term repayment mortgage”.  This hat is particularly effective when you are doing the optimisation in Ask Jeeves.

Black Cap

Black Cap

Black Cap

The favoured hat of the colonists, this workmanlike and simple design is often decried for being basic, however it is most useful when optimising a sporting goods website, and when properly used, can lead to a +2 for stamina on secondary search co-efficients in Google and Bing.

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

The lack of accoutrements on this simple but elegant design make it ideal when working on the high intensity techniques required for developing a long tail mass penetration strategy for Yahoogle.

Black Topper

Black top Hat

Black Topper

The top level black hat club members call this hat “the super effective black hat super star” for a reason.  When you optimicate a website using this astonishing piece of kit, you can see almost instant results across the most intensely competitive clinical keyword groups.

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Due to not being a proper hat, the Fascinator is still effective when doing a little bit of optimication on a black hatted website.  You will normally be able to rank at number 10 or less when you use this for a fashionable website or one selling wedding gear.  Despite being black, it does not work for funeral sites – except in Liverpool.

Black Fedora

Black Fedora

Black Fedora - The ultimate Black Hat!

Only level 9 members of the most secretive order of the Chapeau du Noir are able to successfully utilise the enormous power of the famed black fedora.  This remarkable piece of dark black headgear confers almost limitless power on the wearer when it comes to any type of cross site scripting, or SQL injection technique.  Wearers are able to use otherwise blocked API techniques to mass create blogger domains that use stealth cloaking to block all visitors and redirect using 307 to a pharmacy or predatory lending website.  If the Fedora is used in conjunction with black Ray Bans and leather pants, other Doors are opened to the wearer, including the ability to generate on demand number 1 rankings in Google without the use of more traditional techniques such as Meta Rank, or Latent Semantic Eigenvector Distributions across the Social Hierarchy Graph!

Tags: , , , ,