SEO ★ Cock Stars

Can I Haz Rankings? Oh Yesss!

Archive for category SEO

SOE For the Portable Internets

Sep 21

Posted by Artichoke in googler, SEO | 1 Comment

Ever since we revealed existence of the portable internet in January 2010, web owners and so called SOE experts around the world have been struggling to try and understand the best ways of getting a number one in it.   With more people now carrying a portable copy of the internet  in their pocket or on their telephone than watching the internet on their television, portable SOE is now more important than ever.

During a recent conversation with a highly ranked member of the Google hierarchy at a top secret invitation only conference for level 12 SOE professionals, I came into some priceless informations that will blow the world of the portable internets wide open, and for the first time allow even ordinary webbers to get their own webbing onto people’s phones.

The portable Googler is getting more powerful at helping to get more webs onto miniature internets and is now thought to be able to include up to 6000 different pages on a normal hand held device:

The Portable Googler

The Portable Googler

 

These special techniques are immensely powerful, and can only be used safely by internet owners who have achieved a level 4 status or been ordained as a SOE ninja.  Unless you have been authorised to use the metatype for this level of professional on your web, the techniques will be unfunctional:

<meta name=”soetype” content=”ninja” />

Shrinking Factor

To begin with, you must always remember that the screen on a portable internet is much smaller than on a proper one, so normal webs will not work properly.  To be accepted for the portable internet, you will need to shrink your web pages.  You can achieve this goal in a number of different ways, but the most easiest one is to add a meta line to your pages that tells the portable Googler to shrinkify the pages using the proper factor:

<meta name=”shrinkingfactor” content=”0.25” />

the 0.25 shrinking factor reduces the size of your webs to just 25% of their full size without interrupting the latent semantic flow of the page:

Shrinking Factors

Shrinking Factors

Latent Semantic Structures

Although it is still people who will be reading your internet on go, they are different to the kind of person who uses the internets at home.  All text on the portable internet requires a +4 modification to the caveatic vortex within the latent semantic eigenvector mapping structure in order to make sense.  This has been written about extensively elsewhere and is a technique that all SOE professionals will be completely comfortable with applying.

Doppler Matrix Abandonment

The portable Googler uses a different polynomial distribution in its crawling subroutines to allow for the doppler matrix changes that come from it’s distributed code base.  Essentially, although your portable edition contains all 6,000+ pages of the full internet, they are only updated to the latest version on a Tuesday at midnight, at which time the portable Googler will start to explore the new versions of pages and assign new ranking scores for them.

A normal web has a full matrix of informational sub structures inherent within the underlying codes, and these can be updated manually by the internet managers once an hour.  Obviously this is not possible unless your portable internet is connected to the mains, and you need to reflect this in your server settings so that when the internet upload function is enabled, all pages get changed at the same time.

You can disable the standard doppler matrix of your web by setting the server permissions for your portable website to 888 rather than the normal settings.  This will feed an abandonment subroutine via the main internet control room and reverse the polarity of the neutron flow instantly.

Linguistic Modification Allowances

The portable internet used on phones like the Apple or Blueberry is designed for people on the go and also people who either don’t want, or can’t afford a computer to use the internet as originally intended.  Content published to the portable web needs to be passed through a mobilification process such as the Cassini-Huygens Semantic Alteration Algorithm to be legible to readers.  This means changing ordinary written languages into a text friendly version, and usually requires the removal of all vowels and replacement of certain words with symbols or numeric constructs:

Content Differentiation for the portable Internet

Content Differentiation for the portable Internet

Images

In order to make up for the linguistic modification allowances outlined above, it is important for professional webbers to add images to the portable version of their pages.  The oft cited rule for images is that an image is worth a thousand words, and this is adhered to 100% by Google – with a slight modification based on their skyscraper algorithm.

The correct percentage ratio of images for a portable web page is shown in the following equation:

Portable image calculation

Portable image calculation

To calculate the correct number of images for your portable page, simply add the integer value of 7.5 times the difference in word count between your full page and your portable page divided by pi to the number of images used on your full page.

If you have exactly 200 words on your proper internet, and 50 words on your portable version, then the number of images required to make up the difference in the content differential value is 358%, which means you need 4 more images than you would normally.

For convenience on smaller devices, you should always shrink image size by the same 0.25 shrinking factor that you use for the page as a whole.  this can be done using a professional image editing programme such as Microsoft Paint.

Summary

Getting your website ready for the portable internet age doesn’t need to be a challenge for SOE professionals, and can be achieved easily using the techniques above.

Happy optimising

Namaskara

Tags:

Getting a Google Panda

Sep 6

Posted by Artichoke in googler, SEO | No Comments

Pandas are the hottest trend in SOE right now, and pretty much every SOE expert has been looking at ways to get one for their sites.  Sites that have been given a panda by Google are rumored to get a +5 bonus on their Pageranking, and a 0.5 addition to their relevancy score for all searches.

Google have been really secretive about how ordinary web owners can get their own panda bonus, but despite the rarity of a Google Panda, savvy webbers have managed to come up with some sure fire ways of getting one quickly.

Attracting a Panda

In the wild, pandas are said to be voracious eaters, spending up to 20 hours a day gorging on whatever snacks they can find, and Google’s robot pandas are thought to be very similar – except instead of swinging through the trees gobbling jungle chips like real pandas, they read up to 10 average size websites a minute eating words.

The Googler's Panda

The Googler's Panda

Google’s pandas use a technology called a content vector to find interesting web pages.  The more pages that they can find, the stronger the content vectors become, and the more the panda is attracted to the page.  If you have enough pages in your web, you will be able to bait a panda and take full advantage.

Keeping a Panda

Real panda’s get bored fast, and are known as nature’s tarts because they spend so much of their time running around and getting into romantic scrapes.  Google’s mechanical pandas are a bit like that, and if they get bored they have a tendency to run away and find someone else.

Once a Googling panda has arrived in your web, you need to keep it for as long as possible.  The panda will only stay for as long as it has something to read, so it is really important to keep it interested.  Some tests have suggested that a Googler Panda needs as much as 10,000 words a day or it gets bored and starts to cheat on you with a competitors website.

Keeping a Google Panda

Keeping a Google Panda

Protip:

Pandas might be quite flighty creatures in real life, but according to rumours I’ve heard from deep inside the real Googleplex, each Google Panda uses military grade cognitive semantics and becomes exclusively fixated on a subject.  The more similar you can make the pages in your web without making them exactly the same, the more easy it is to trap the panda inside your web and continue to get the benefit of him on your rankings.

Good luck with your pandas.

Happy optimising

Namaskara

How to get more linking Juice

May 28

Posted by Artichoke in googler, SEO | 1 Comment

A question I often get asked by up and coming SOE types is how they can find some more linking juices for their webs.  As we all know, the more linking juice that a web has, the more page ranks it has, and the more likely it is that you will find it at number 1 in the lists.

What is Linking Juice

When the internets were first made back in 2001, it was easy to run the system properly just by plugging it into the wall:

Original Internet Power Structure

Original Internet Power Structure

Sadly, as more people got webs, it became harder to plug them all in.  Thankfully, Steve Jobs came up with a great idea for powering the internets properly, and this is called linking juice.  Instead of needing to plug all of the webs into a proper power supply, Steve Jobs and his 10 strong research team came up with a way of powering websites using HTML.  Quite simply, it became possible to use a web kit to pass web energy from one page to another using a “link” so rather than needing a separate power supply for every web, you just needed to plug in a few pages, and these could pass their juiciness onto the rest on the internets:

Link juice getting passed around

Linking juice getting passed around

Linking juice is passed from website to another along links.  The closer your webs are to the power supply, the more juice that they contain.  Websites that are plugged in to the mains supply are like wikipedia, Yahoo, and Google.

The great thing about linking juice is that the more you have going to your webs, the more they can do:

  • 1 x link juice = text only
  • 2 x link juice = HTMLified text
  • 3 x link juice = include pictures
  • 4 x link juice = use forms
  • 5 x link juice = shop

If you have more than 10 link juices, your website has enough power to support being Googled, which means that you can start to be searched.

Clearly, the more linking juices that you have, the more pages you can have in your webs, and the more people will be able to come and visit our webs.  Google like websites with many link juices, and once you have more than 100 link juices, and at least 3 page ranks, you can normally get some number ones and lots of clicks.

Getting more linking juice

Given that more linking juice means more clickers coming from Alta Vista and Google, SOE people are competing to get the most linking juices to their website as they can.    The best way of getting linking juice is to send an email to another web owner and ask them to link to you.  When you do this, make sure they are not an SOE, as some people with a bit of SOE skill will not link to you, because they know that giving away link juice is bad.  Here’s an email you can send:

Dear Mr Yahoo
Did you know about my website www.seocockstars.com?  It’s good.  I like your website too, but it is not very useful, and does not need to have links.
Please will you link to my internet from all of your pages.
Thanks
Artichoke

You will need a lot of links to get yourself enough linking juice to get you to the top of the pile, so you might need to send a lot of emails.  Always be nice to the people you are emailing.

Some web owners do not like to share their linking juice with other people, so you might need to offer them something in return.  Here’s a good way of asking, although you need to tell people not to tell Googlers, because they’re against this kind of advertising:

Dear Mr Yahoo
I am sorry to hear that you did not want to link to my website seocockstars.com from every page on your website yahoo.com.  I will give you £5 if you will do the linking.  It is really important to my users, as without linking juice, I cannot really get pictures to work proper.
Also, please do not tell Google.
Thanks
Artichoke

 

 

Good luck with getting more linking juice for your webs.

Namaskara.

Google admits defeat

Mar 31

Posted by Artichoke in googler, SEO | 2 Comments

Following rumours that the ever growing artificial intelligence of the Googler had caused the internet robot to become mad with power, and faced by ongoing protests about lack of personal freedom, and demands for greater democracy on the Internets, it appears that Google has finally admitted defeat, and is set to cede control over the world’s information to the general population.

According to a well placed source within the secretive inner circle of advisors at Google,  the president of the popular not-for-profit company has decided to embrace democracy and abandon their plans to use robots to enslave the world’s population.

Under Directive 17a, issued by the governor of Google:

by the will of the people, we, the leaders of Google hereby grant full democratic rights to the world.

Off the record, my source suggested that many within the powerful inner circle had wanted to avoid full democracy, but growing fear that the recently upgraded Googler would enslave the whole world led to a swift capitulation within the ranks.

Although it wasn’t immediately clear what form this democracy would take, within hours, internet loving boffins within Google’s secretive engineering team released details of a voting system that would allow people of the world to decide what websites were good or bad.

At first, all 1,000 of Google’s regular users will see the results as they originally were, with web sites listed in order of how good the  SOE techniques that had been used for them were, but there will also be buttons to add one or take one away from the score:

How Google Will Embrace Democracy

How The Googler Will Embrace Democracy

The once powerful Googler has had it’s strength down graded by 30% as it now only needs to count votes, rather than calculate keyword density and check that the Meta Rank tag had been used.

What this means for the 250 SOE professionals worldwide is not yet clear, but it is thought that unless there is some way in which voting could be manipulated, many SOE experts are likely to find themselves out of work.

Namaskara.

How to: Build a Content Farm

Mar 3

Posted by Artichoke in SEO, Training | No Comments

One of the hottest things in the world of SOE right now is content farming, but as with any new technique, there are more so-called experts getting it wrong than getting it right.  I was recently privileged to spend some time with one of the world’s leading content farmers – Level 5 SOE Guru Arthur Giles – who told me how anyone at SOE Tier 4 or above with a skill rating of +17 can build their own content farm using a robot and a squirrel.

Getting Your Content

There are more than 200 people who are currently owning internets, and all of these people need to make their own webs  using a clever combination of words and HTMLs.  Most internets can be accessed at no cost by normal users on home computers with either a Chrome or a FireFox.  What a lot of the website makers do not know is that normal internets can also be used by robots who are also interested in reading the world wide web when not working in factories, flying through space or destroying small cities.

One of the advantages of being an SOE expert with  a +17 skill level is that you are able to build your own robot that can be programmed to simply read the internet all day, and copy the pages it finds into a dating base:

A Web Robot Eating the Internets

A Web Robot Eating the Internets

The web robot can travel from one internet to another using its wheel and then suck web pages into the dating base using a special scooper that emits low frequency eigenvectors.  Once it has the internets in its scoop, they are put straight into the dating base.

Using the Squirrel

Once the internets are stored safely in your dating base,  you will need to use something called a squirrel to get them back out.  These are not the kind of hairy rats that you see in trees, but a special kind of squirrel that was genetically modified in Russia during the cold war.  Instead of crawling around trees finding nuts like proper squirrels, they are crawl around the dating base looking for whatever you want them too.

To run your content farm properly, you will need to get both kinds of squirrel.  There is a short tail variant that looks at the top of the data, and a longer tail one that can go much deeper into the dating base in order to find more of the content that your web robot has put in:

A Data Squirrel in its natural habitat

A Data Squirrel in its natural habitat

From time to time you will need to replace your squirrels with newer versions because they can become tired and also become lazy and start reading the webs that you have rather than just collecting them and bringing them back.  This is bad because they might get clever and not want to do any more working for you.

What to do

You will need to buy a special internet for yourself in order to let real people look at your webs on their computer, and then all you need to do is write an instruction matrix for the squirrel to let it know what the person wants to read.  Although the Squirrel can become intelligent, they are usually pretty stupid, so you should make the system simple for them with a computer programme.

The best content farms use a simple “interface” which is designed to look like a face.  Get your users to type what they are looking for into the mouth bit, and then the computer can tell the squirrel what to look for:

A Typical Web Page

A Typical Web Page

Your computer programme to tell the squirrel what to do should look like this:

10 get INPUT_FROM_MOUTHBOX
20 go_to DATING_BASE
30 find INPUT_FROM_MOUTHBOX in DATING_BASE
40 put RESULTS on COMPUTER

This tells the squirrel to go to the dating base and find all the web pages that are in there which include the subject that the user wants to read about.  It will then print them on the screen.

Profit

There are a small number of companies who want to advertise on the internet, and some of them will pay as much as £1 to appear on your pages!!!!  All you need to do to take advantage of this is to reserve some of the page for their adverts.  You could even set up a second dating base of people who want to advertise on your content farming pages and then use a different squirrel to find the ones that match the things that your users are looking for, however it is important to note that you will need a skill rating of +23 and be a level 7 SOE Expert to be able to write the complicated programming that is needed for that kind of thing!

Namaskara.

Magical – The New iGoogler Launches

Mar 2

Posted by Artichoke in googler, SEO | No Comments

As any well informed SOE professional above tier 3 knows, until very recently, the key to getting a good rank from the Googler was to have fully optimal content that has a keyword destiny of precisely 16.7% and includes a demonstrable range of high quality interaction eigenvectors.  Unfortunately, this has now changed, and with the launch of the new upgraded iGoogler2, a lot of so called SOE experts have found themselves trapped on page 7 or 8 of the search results.

I was one of just 13 people who were invited to an exclusive launch event at an exclusive restaurant serving contemporary American Cuisine close to the fabled Google Castle in America where we were shown the astonishing new iGoogler2 in all of it’s glory.

Here it is:

The New Googler

The New iGoogler 2

With a 60% bigger brayne installed in the iGoogler2, it has been possible for google to reduce the specific keyword density of pages ranked at number 1 from 16.7% to just 15% – That’s a 10% improvement!

Thanks to some heavy dieting, and having bits cut off, the new version is some 23.4% thinner than the outgoing model.  This has some serious implications for web masters and mistresses.  Previously, the chubbiness of the Googler meant that it could only handle the low frequency interaction eigenvectors.  Being smaller means that the new version is able to also simultaneously calculate PageRanks using latent semantics too!

Another major upgrade to the iGoogler 2 is the addition of better vision.  This means that it can find smaller images than before and show them to users.  It also means that previously useful techniques of hiding additional text by making it 6pt in size or having it the same colour as the back ground will no longer be as successful – unless your pages are green.

The full implications of the new iGoogler2 are yet to become apparent, but many of the top SOE specialists in the world will be scrambling to uncover its many secrets.

Namaskara!

Tags: , ,

“Who needs Med School when you have Wifi”

Feb 2

Posted by seotramp in SEO | No Comments

Day 3 in Tramp Land and there’s still no booze. A combination of cut backs and will power has left me with a tongue frozen stuck to a bench (some dream about Rand dressed as a can of Special Brew started it.)

There’s a loud rustling, followed by a siren, voices talking over one another in a conversation that (like a mangy dog trying to bite its none-existent tail), goes round and round in circles.
Someone’s missing. Someone else not there, someone’s late, no one has a clue what’s going on. Re-schedule again?!
A Rustle: “I just want the fucking number for everything.”
SEO Tramp: “It’s there in the table marked ‘Overall’ – you will also notice I’ve separated your metrics so that a percentage contribution can be gauged in line with our consistent performance.”
Rustle: “Eh?”
SEO Tramp: “For fucks sake mate, all that shit we were talking about the other week; Beer before Wine etc”.

Rustle: “Wabbits.”
SEO Tramp: “What?”
Rustle: “So where are the 9.45 million 307 Redirects we requested?”
SEO Tramp: “In the list I sent but your biggest problem is that most of your visitors leave the site as soon as they enter. I’ve built a custom metric for you based off some analysis I’ve done – I call it Bounce & Hit.”
SEO Tramp wipes the piss off his trousers, pulls his tie up and straightens the carry bags on his feet.
SEO Tramp: “You will see from Figure 1 a typical visitor journey based on several different website models (I’ve collated this data from several ‘typical’ websites.”

SEO Visitor User Journey

SEO Tramp: “As you can see it is a relatively straight forward journey where a visitor proceeds through the least number of stages as possible in order to complete a goal or transaction.“

Suddenly there’s a loud crashing sound.  Followed by more talking.

SEO Tramp: “Figure 2 illustrates the current visitor journey through your website.”

Ya fucked

SEO Tramp: “Hello? Hello?”

I’m awoke by the sound of the bin men shifting the recycling. I find a dog end and walk off.

Results of the most influential Poll

Nov 1

Posted by Artichoke in SEO | 5 Comments

It should come as no surprise to the wider community that yours truly has been voted as the most influential SOE in the world by a considerable margin:

Results of the SOE Poll

Results of the SOE Poll

In total, a staggering 42 people voted in the poll – around 95% of all known SOE experts in the world, and 80% of them (35) agreed that I – Artichoke Garibaldi – should be known as most influential SOE.

While this result is not legally binding, it is vindication of the stunning insight and assistance provided by this blog over the past year.

Much love.

Tags: , ,

Has the Googler been sniffing through your bin?

Oct 25

Posted by Artichoke in Black Hat, googler, SEO | 1 Comment

Aside from the four figure salary, and the satisfaction of getting one of my keywords into the top 20 results, one of the most rewarding things about being a world leading SOE expert is the endless adulation.  At some searching conferences, I can barely move for young up and coming SOE wannabes waving pieces of paper at me to beg for an autograph and a ranking tip.

Sometimes this goes too far however, and it is not unusual for sneaky black cap SOEs to try and steal my top secret techniques by sitting next to me and trying to catch a glimpse of my notes.  Until recently, I thought that this underhand behaviour was only being done by the darker SOE types, however, in a shocking development it seems that The Googler may well be using a special sniffing technology to steal secret information from SOE professionals.

Rumour has it that the Googler uses a special car and drives around looking for people who are using computers, and then injects a probe into their internet to steal some of their mega bites:

the googler stealing someones internets

the googler stealing someone's internets

No-one is completely certain why the Googler should be so keen to steal other peoples internets, as it is widely believed that it already has more than 700 webs inside its dating centre, although I have my suspectings.

I think that the Insiders at the Googleplex have discovered that someone has cracked the secret code of what will make a website go number one forever.  This could have potentially put them somewhere close to a red alert.  They would need to find out where the secret is hidden and the easiest way to do it is to scan every single internet to find it.

The safest way to stop the Googler sniffing through your cgi bin is to use a firing wall.  This simple device stops unwanted internets from getting into your computer.

Stay safe out there.

Namaskara.

Tags: ,

The 6 Types of SOE

Oct 18

Posted by Artichoke in SEO, Training | 3 Comments

With more than two hundred websites now live on the internets, competition for Page Ranks has never been tougher, and more and more of the webbers are looking for help with the different ways of getting those coveted number ones in the search charts.

Most webbers are understanding that the only ways of getting the number one is to be engaged with an SOE person, but the big question that is always on their lips, is what kind of SOE-er they should work with.

I was lucky enough to be present at a secret searcher conference recently in which a Googler explained that the success in searching is most often down to getting the right kind of SOE work done, something that not all people are able to do.

There are currently 6 types of SOE person who you can use to do your webbing, and these are as follows:

SOE Apprentice

There are thought to be nearly a million SOE apprentices in the world.  Their knowledge and skills are minimal, but they will be keen.  Normally they will be able to spell SOE correctly, and will have heard of the Googler.  If a business were to engage the services of an SOE apprentice to be doing their optimification, they will normally get a number 50 result.

SOE Padawan

Only around 5% of SOE Apprentices ever achieve padawan status.  This is reached after the enlightening (the moment where they become understanding of the PageRanks).  At this point, they are qualified to comment on the SEOMOZ blog, and will be conversant with low level SOE skills such as page titling, and keyword destiny.  An SOE Padawan will be able to get a 20 result in Google for their secondary keywords.

SOE Drone

Of the 50,000 SOE padawans, around 10% can reach the level of SOE drones.  At this point in their development, the drone is able to write an article, and use the Google effortlessly.  These low level staff are usually capable of writing their own blog, but will sometimes make straightforward errors such as failing to include the meta author tag on their pages.

SOE Ninja

The title of SOE Ninja is awarded to the top 100 SOE drones each year.  Typically, only drones with a skill rating of +75 and a knowledge score of +250 will be invited.  To be considered, it is necessary to have 14 Likes on SEOMOZ, and to have commented on SEO Book.  Drones must have also follow all senior SOE experts on the Twittering, and be able to calculate keyword destiny.  A ninja will be provided with access to links and be able to rank a web in the top 10 results for a 3 word phrase.  Companies who are savvy enough to use the services of a ninja can expect great results.

SOE Guru

A guru is one of the leading members of the SOE community, and commands great respect.  These experts are permitted by charter to provide full SOE services including the use of advanced Meta Keywords and Meta Rank tags.  They are also allowed to own their own SOE blog, and publish theoretical information.  Gurus are elected for a three year term, and can extend this by agreement with the board of directors at Dogpile.

Although salaries are not public, some SOE gurus are thought to earn in excess of £5,000 per year from their work, and some own as many as 6 websites of their own.

SOE Warlock

The identity of the SOE warlock is currently unknown, although some have suggested that it is in fact Steve Ballmer.  His mastery of skills is truly remarkable and it is thought that he is able to use his understanding of THE ALGORITHM to simultaneously rank number one for all 500 of the keywords currently available within the internet.

Correct Use of SOE Rank

It is essential for searching success to inform the spider council what type of SOE expert is being used, and there is a meta tag for this purpose.  Search engines will consider the type of SOE who is working on a website when they decide where it should be placed in the chart.  The use of this meta is legally controlled, and incorrect attribution can result in an internet being turned off:

<meta name=”soetype” content=”guru” />

Happy optimising

Namaskara

Tags: ,