Using Socialist Media

On a recent trip to New York, I was lucky enough to be invited to discuss the internets with a most important member of the United Nations, who wanted to find out more about how emailing and websites worked.

One of the things that excited him most was socialist media, and I realised that it was some time since I had provided an authoritative update on this blog.

Socialist Media is one of the hottest things in the online world at the moment:  some would say it is even more important than the proper use of Meta Keywords, although they are wrong.

Getting Socialist Media right might seem complicated, however it is becoming more widely understood by experts and some of them are reporting great success from using Twitting as part of their strategy.

The difference between SOE and Socialist Mediums

SOE

  • Is done by computers
  • Uses PageRanks to decide what you want to see
  • Is only available from the Googler
  • Gives more money to few people
  • Costs from £35

Socialist Mediums

  • Is done by people in a room
  • Can be bought from MySpace, Twitting, and The Facebook
  • Uses EgoRank to decide who is best
  • Distributes wealth on an equal basis
  • Costs from £75

How Socialist Media Works

Socialist Mediums all work by voting on the basis of the number of words in a document and the amount of time it took to produce.  Because people in socialist mediums own the means of production, they are awarded an equal share:

How Socialist Media Works

How Socialist Media Works

In most socialist media, the content is created by a team of experts who then submit it to the committee as a draft proposal for first stage approval.

Approval is done by a simple voting system of yes and no.  Once a score has been calculated, the initial document can either be passed through to the computer programme, or alternatively passed back to the writers for any required amendments to be made.

Although socialist mediums are based on an equal voting system, members of the inner circle and politburo groups have a slightly higher weighting, and can normally pass documents unamended.

Assuming that the document is passed by the first committee, it is passed onto a computer programme that uses either the EgoRank or AwesomeRank algorithm to give it a final score.

If the score is more than 5, the draft document is made converted into a Diktat, and released to the community.  If the final score is less than 5, the document is discarded.

The final score determines how many people will see the Diktat.  A very popular approval may be read by more than 100 people, whereas a document with limited scope will normally be confined to around 5-10 members.

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How to: Build a Content Farm

One of the hottest things in the world of SOE right now is content farming, but as with any new technique, there are more so-called experts getting it wrong than getting it right.  I was recently privileged to spend some time with one of the world’s leading content farmers – Level 5 SOE Guru Arthur Giles – who told me how anyone at SOE Tier 4 or above with a skill rating of +17 can build their own content farm using a robot and a squirrel.

Getting Your Content

There are more than 200 people who are currently owning internets, and all of these people need to make their own webs  using a clever combination of words and HTMLs.  Most internets can be accessed at no cost by normal users on home computers with either a Chrome or a FireFox.  What a lot of the website makers do not know is that normal internets can also be used by robots who are also interested in reading the world wide web when not working in factories, flying through space or destroying small cities.

One of the advantages of being an SOE expert with  a +17 skill level is that you are able to build your own robot that can be programmed to simply read the internet all day, and copy the pages it finds into a dating base:

A Web Robot Eating the Internets

A Web Robot Eating the Internets

The web robot can travel from one internet to another using its wheel and then suck web pages into the dating base using a special scooper that emits low frequency eigenvectors.  Once it has the internets in its scoop, they are put straight into the dating base.

Using the Squirrel

Once the internets are stored safely in your dating base,  you will need to use something called a squirrel to get them back out.  These are not the kind of hairy rats that you see in trees, but a special kind of squirrel that was genetically modified in Russia during the cold war.  Instead of crawling around trees finding nuts like proper squirrels, they are crawl around the dating base looking for whatever you want them too.

To run your content farm properly, you will need to get both kinds of squirrel.  There is a short tail variant that looks at the top of the data, and a longer tail one that can go much deeper into the dating base in order to find more of the content that your web robot has put in:

A Data Squirrel in its natural habitat

A Data Squirrel in its natural habitat

From time to time you will need to replace your squirrels with newer versions because they can become tired and also become lazy and start reading the webs that you have rather than just collecting them and bringing them back.  This is bad because they might get clever and not want to do any more working for you.

What to do

You will need to buy a special internet for yourself in order to let real people look at your webs on their computer, and then all you need to do is write an instruction matrix for the squirrel to let it know what the person wants to read.  Although the Squirrel can become intelligent, they are usually pretty stupid, so you should make the system simple for them with a computer programme.

The best content farms use a simple “interface” which is designed to look like a face.  Get your users to type what they are looking for into the mouth bit, and then the computer can tell the squirrel what to look for:

A Typical Web Page

A Typical Web Page

Your computer programme to tell the squirrel what to do should look like this:

10 get INPUT_FROM_MOUTHBOX
20 go_to DATING_BASE
30 find INPUT_FROM_MOUTHBOX in DATING_BASE
40 put RESULTS on COMPUTER

This tells the squirrel to go to the dating base and find all the web pages that are in there which include the subject that the user wants to read about.  It will then print them on the screen.

Profit

There are a small number of companies who want to advertise on the internet, and some of them will pay as much as £1 to appear on your pages!!!!  All you need to do to take advantage of this is to reserve some of the page for their adverts.  You could even set up a second dating base of people who want to advertise on your content farming pages and then use a different squirrel to find the ones that match the things that your users are looking for, however it is important to note that you will need a skill rating of +23 and be a level 7 SOE Expert to be able to write the complicated programming that is needed for that kind of thing!

Namaskara.

Magical – The New iGoogler Launches

As any well informed SOE professional above tier 3 knows, until very recently, the key to getting a good rank from the Googler was to have fully optimal content that has a keyword destiny of precisely 16.7% and includes a demonstrable range of high quality interaction eigenvectors.  Unfortunately, this has now changed, and with the launch of the new upgraded iGoogler2, a lot of so called SOE experts have found themselves trapped on page 7 or 8 of the search results.

I was one of just 13 people who were invited to an exclusive launch event at an exclusive restaurant serving contemporary American Cuisine close to the fabled Google Castle in America where we were shown the astonishing new iGoogler2 in all of it’s glory.

Here it is:

The New Googler

The New iGoogler 2

With a 60% bigger brayne installed in the iGoogler2, it has been possible for google to reduce the specific keyword density of pages ranked at number 1 from 16.7% to just 15% – That’s a 10% improvement!

Thanks to some heavy dieting, and having bits cut off, the new version is some 23.4% thinner than the outgoing model.  This has some serious implications for web masters and mistresses.  Previously, the chubbiness of the Googler meant that it could only handle the low frequency interaction eigenvectors.  Being smaller means that the new version is able to also simultaneously calculate PageRanks using latent semantics too!

Another major upgrade to the iGoogler 2 is the addition of better vision.  This means that it can find smaller images than before and show them to users.  It also means that previously useful techniques of hiding additional text by making it 6pt in size or having it the same colour as the back ground will no longer be as successful – unless your pages are green.

The full implications of the new iGoogler2 are yet to become apparent, but many of the top SOE specialists in the world will be scrambling to uncover its many secrets.

Namaskara!

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“Who needs Med School when you have Wifi”

Day 3 in Tramp Land and there’s still no booze. A combination of cut backs and will power has left me with a tongue frozen stuck to a bench (some dream about Rand dressed as a can of Special Brew started it.)

There’s a loud rustling, followed by a siren, voices talking over one another in a conversation that (like a mangy dog trying to bite its none-existent tail), goes round and round in circles.
Someone’s missing. Someone else not there, someone’s late, no one has a clue what’s going on. Re-schedule again?!
A Rustle: “I just want the fucking number for everything.”
SEO Tramp: “It’s there in the table marked ‘Overall’ – you will also notice I’ve separated your metrics so that a percentage contribution can be gauged in line with our consistent performance.”
Rustle: “Eh?”
SEO Tramp: “For fucks sake mate, all that shit we were talking about the other week; Beer before Wine etc”.

Rustle: “Wabbits.”
SEO Tramp: “What?”
Rustle: “So where are the 9.45 million 307 Redirects we requested?”
SEO Tramp: “In the list I sent but your biggest problem is that most of your visitors leave the site as soon as they enter. I’ve built a custom metric for you based off some analysis I’ve done – I call it Bounce & Hit.”
SEO Tramp wipes the piss off his trousers, pulls his tie up and straightens the carry bags on his feet.
SEO Tramp: “You will see from Figure 1 a typical visitor journey based on several different website models (I’ve collated this data from several ‘typical’ websites.”

SEO Visitor User Journey

SEO Tramp: “As you can see it is a relatively straight forward journey where a visitor proceeds through the least number of stages as possible in order to complete a goal or transaction.“

Suddenly there’s a loud crashing sound.  Followed by more talking.

SEO Tramp: “Figure 2 illustrates the current visitor journey through your website.”

Ya fucked

SEO Tramp: “Hello? Hello?”

I’m awoke by the sound of the bin men shifting the recycling. I find a dog end and walk off.

Results of the most influential Poll

It should come as no surprise to the wider community that yours truly has been voted as the most influential SOE in the world by a considerable margin:

Results of the SOE Poll

Results of the SOE Poll

In total, a staggering 42 people voted in the poll – around 95% of all known SOE experts in the world, and 80% of them (35) agreed that I – Artichoke Garibaldi – should be known as most influential SOE.

While this result is not legally binding, it is vindication of the stunning insight and assistance provided by this blog over the past year.

Much love.

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Has the Googler been sniffing through your bin?

Aside from the four figure salary, and the satisfaction of getting one of my keywords into the top 20 results, one of the most rewarding things about being a world leading SOE expert is the endless adulation.  At some searching conferences, I can barely move for young up and coming SOE wannabes waving pieces of paper at me to beg for an autograph and a ranking tip.

Sometimes this goes too far however, and it is not unusual for sneaky black cap SOEs to try and steal my top secret techniques by sitting next to me and trying to catch a glimpse of my notes.  Until recently, I thought that this underhand behaviour was only being done by the darker SOE types, however, in a shocking development it seems that The Googler may well be using a special sniffing technology to steal secret information from SOE professionals.

Rumour has it that the Googler uses a special car and drives around looking for people who are using computers, and then injects a probe into their internet to steal some of their mega bites:

the googler stealing someones internets

the googler stealing someone's internets

No-one is completely certain why the Googler should be so keen to steal other peoples internets, as it is widely believed that it already has more than 700 webs inside its dating centre, although I have my suspectings.

I think that the Insiders at the Googleplex have discovered that someone has cracked the secret code of what will make a website go number one forever.  This could have potentially put them somewhere close to a red alert.  They would need to find out where the secret is hidden and the easiest way to do it is to scan every single internet to find it.

The safest way to stop the Googler sniffing through your cgi bin is to use a firing wall.  This simple device stops unwanted internets from getting into your computer.

Stay safe out there.

Namaskara.

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Who is the World’s most influential SOE – Poll

It appears that Peter Jung of Holisticated Search has released a poll looking for the UK’s most influential SOE.  This appears to be utterly invalid for a number of reasons, most importantly that I have been (criminally) overlooked.

Please vote below for the real question – who is really the world’s most influential SOE.

Who is the world's most influential SOE

  • Artichoke Garibaldi (83%, 35 Votes)
  • Someone else (17%, 7 Votes)

Total Voters: 42

Loading ... Loading ...

The poll will run until the end of October, at which point I will publish the results.  Unless I forget.

The 6 Types of SOE

With more than two hundred websites now live on the internets, competition for Page Ranks has never been tougher, and more and more of the webbers are looking for help with the different ways of getting those coveted number ones in the search charts.

Most webbers are understanding that the only ways of getting the number one is to be engaged with an SOE person, but the big question that is always on their lips, is what kind of SOE-er they should work with.

I was lucky enough to be present at a secret searcher conference recently in which a Googler explained that the success in searching is most often down to getting the right kind of SOE work done, something that not all people are able to do.

There are currently 6 types of SOE person who you can use to do your webbing, and these are as follows:

SOE Apprentice

There are thought to be nearly a million SOE apprentices in the world.  Their knowledge and skills are minimal, but they will be keen.  Normally they will be able to spell SOE correctly, and will have heard of the Googler.  If a business were to engage the services of an SOE apprentice to be doing their optimification, they will normally get a number 50 result.

SOE Padawan

Only around 5% of SOE Apprentices ever achieve padawan status.  This is reached after the enlightening (the moment where they become understanding of the PageRanks).  At this point, they are qualified to comment on the SEOMOZ blog, and will be conversant with low level SOE skills such as page titling, and keyword destiny.  An SOE Padawan will be able to get a 20 result in Google for their secondary keywords.

SOE Drone

Of the 50,000 SOE padawans, around 10% can reach the level of SOE drones.  At this point in their development, the drone is able to write an article, and use the Google effortlessly.  These low level staff are usually capable of writing their own blog, but will sometimes make straightforward errors such as failing to include the meta author tag on their pages.

SOE Ninja

The title of SOE Ninja is awarded to the top 100 SOE drones each year.  Typically, only drones with a skill rating of +75 and a knowledge score of +250 will be invited.  To be considered, it is necessary to have 14 Likes on SEOMOZ, and to have commented on SEO Book.  Drones must have also follow all senior SOE experts on the Twittering, and be able to calculate keyword destiny.  A ninja will be provided with access to links and be able to rank a web in the top 10 results for a 3 word phrase.  Companies who are savvy enough to use the services of a ninja can expect great results.

SOE Guru

A guru is one of the leading members of the SOE community, and commands great respect.  These experts are permitted by charter to provide full SOE services including the use of advanced Meta Keywords and Meta Rank tags.  They are also allowed to own their own SOE blog, and publish theoretical information.  Gurus are elected for a three year term, and can extend this by agreement with the board of directors at Dogpile.

Although salaries are not public, some SOE gurus are thought to earn in excess of £5,000 per year from their work, and some own as many as 6 websites of their own.

SOE Warlock

The identity of the SOE warlock is currently unknown, although some have suggested that it is in fact Steve Ballmer.  His mastery of skills is truly remarkable and it is thought that he is able to use his understanding of THE ALGORITHM to simultaneously rank number one for all 500 of the keywords currently available within the internet.

Correct Use of SOE Rank

It is essential for searching success to inform the spider council what type of SOE expert is being used, and there is a meta tag for this purpose.  Search engines will consider the type of SOE who is working on a website when they decide where it should be placed in the chart.  The use of this meta is legally controlled, and incorrect attribution can result in an internet being turned off:

<meta name=”soetype” content=”guru” />

Happy optimising

Namaskara

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Evidence that Google is Evil?

As one of the world’s top SOE consultants, I am privy to a lot more information about the internal workings of Google and other searching engines like Dogpile, but even I was shocked recently when I overheard a discussion between two well placed insiders that revealed a dark truth about what is really going on at Google.

My contact, who claims to be a level 9 Hygiene Consultant within the Human Matter Management division at the searching giant has provided me with a shocking dossier that proves without a shadow of a doubt the evil at the heart of Google…

Evil Googler

Is the Googler Evil?

Exhibit A: Googly Logo

The Google Logo might look like a nice happy word, but look closer.  When you magnify the Google logo to 1,000 times its normal resolution on the screen, it is clear that there are barely perceptible lines around certain letters that turn the logo into something much more sinister, as shown in the computationally enhanced image below:

666gle

Hidden numbers in the Google logo!

The numbers 666 are clearly visible within the deeper contextual pixelation of the word, hidden in plain sight for the dozens of people who visit the page each day.

Exhibit B: Mission Statement

Google’s stated aim as a business is to “not be evil”.  Simply by removing the first word from this statement, we are left with the pseudo semantic substructure of hatred that actually underpins one of the world’s most famous companies:

Don't Be Evil

Don't? Be Evil

Indeed, if you were to actually spend the time to do a Googly for the phrase “Be Evil”, Google itself is listed at position 7!

Exhibit C: Function

Many members of the illuminati, who are often very evil, believe that their role is to enlighten humanity with access to information.  Sound familiar??????

Exhibit D: Content

Thanks to its extensive use of linguistic function analysis, and the use of high frequency deep level semantic eigenvector distribution throughout its collocated searching engine, the Googler provides near instant access to more than 1000 different pages of information including around 350 unique types of pornography making up around 50% of the total:

Content of the Internet

Content of Google's Internet

As every good school boy knows, self abuse is part of the temptation triangle, and that simply thinking about one’s parts of shame is sufficient to descend to damnation.  The fact that the Googler provides access to Germanic volumes of mucky pictures is all the evidence you need to know that the Googler is evil.

Be careful out there!

Namaskara

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Black Hat Tips

As one of the world’s leading SOE professionals, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked by clients is what kind of hat they should use while optimising their websites.  While my own preference is to optimise only whilst wearing a white cap, there are other options available.

In this post, I reveal many of the most intensely guarded black hat tips used by the “Order du Chapeau Noir” – a highly secretive organisation that I managed to infiltrate over the last few months, and which should put anyone wanting to try out black hats for SOE into a great position!

Black Beret

Black Beret

Black Beret

The Black Beret is a type of hat principally worn by the French.  It is most useful when optimifying a website that is structured around a clear heuristic sensibility, and of particular use within the cheese industry.

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

This timeless classic has long been a favourite of city financiers and inscrutable Chinese Valets, as such, it is commonly used by people working in the finance vertical.  The use of black bowler hat SOE techniques such as Clear Unified Natural Tropism will generally result in a +4 to all skill rolls when optimating a website for the keyword “long term repayment mortgage”.  This hat is particularly effective when you are doing the optimisation in Ask Jeeves.

Black Cap

Black Cap

Black Cap

The favoured hat of the colonists, this workmanlike and simple design is often decried for being basic, however it is most useful when optimising a sporting goods website, and when properly used, can lead to a +2 for stamina on secondary search co-efficients in Google and Bing.

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

The lack of accoutrements on this simple but elegant design make it ideal when working on the high intensity techniques required for developing a long tail mass penetration strategy for Yahoogle.

Black Topper

Black top Hat

Black Topper

The top level black hat club members call this hat “the super effective black hat super star” for a reason.  When you optimicate a website using this astonishing piece of kit, you can see almost instant results across the most intensely competitive clinical keyword groups.

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Due to not being a proper hat, the Fascinator is still effective when doing a little bit of optimication on a black hatted website.  You will normally be able to rank at number 10 or less when you use this for a fashionable website or one selling wedding gear.  Despite being black, it does not work for funeral sites – except in Liverpool.

Black Fedora

Black Fedora

Black Fedora - The ultimate Black Hat!

Only level 9 members of the most secretive order of the Chapeau du Noir are able to successfully utilise the enormous power of the famed black fedora.  This remarkable piece of dark black headgear confers almost limitless power on the wearer when it comes to any type of cross site scripting, or SQL injection technique.  Wearers are able to use otherwise blocked API techniques to mass create blogger domains that use stealth cloaking to block all visitors and redirect using 307 to a pharmacy or predatory lending website.  If the Fedora is used in conjunction with black Ray Bans and leather pants, other Doors are opened to the wearer, including the ability to generate on demand number 1 rankings in Google without the use of more traditional techniques such as Meta Rank, or Latent Semantic Eigenvector Distributions across the Social Hierarchy Graph!

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