Posts Tagged arcane mysteries of SEO

Black Hat Tips

As one of the world’s leading SOE professionals, one of the questions that I am most frequently asked by clients is what kind of hat they should use while optimising their websites.  While my own preference is to optimise only whilst wearing a white cap, there are other options available.

In this post, I reveal many of the most intensely guarded black hat tips used by the “Order du Chapeau Noir” – a highly secretive organisation that I managed to infiltrate over the last few months, and which should put anyone wanting to try out black hats for SOE into a great position!

Black Beret

Black Beret

Black Beret

The Black Beret is a type of hat principally worn by the French.  It is most useful when optimifying a website that is structured around a clear heuristic sensibility, and of particular use within the cheese industry.

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

Black Bowler

This timeless classic has long been a favourite of city financiers and inscrutable Chinese Valets, as such, it is commonly used by people working in the finance vertical.  The use of black bowler hat SOE techniques such as Clear Unified Natural Tropism will generally result in a +4 to all skill rolls when optimating a website for the keyword “long term repayment mortgage”.  This hat is particularly effective when you are doing the optimisation in Ask Jeeves.

Black Cap

Black Cap

Black Cap

The favoured hat of the colonists, this workmanlike and simple design is often decried for being basic, however it is most useful when optimising a sporting goods website, and when properly used, can lead to a +2 for stamina on secondary search co-efficients in Google and Bing.

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

Black Yarmulke

The lack of accoutrements on this simple but elegant design make it ideal when working on the high intensity techniques required for developing a long tail mass penetration strategy for Yahoogle.

Black Topper

Black top Hat

Black Topper

The top level black hat club members call this hat “the super effective black hat super star” for a reason.  When you optimicate a website using this astonishing piece of kit, you can see almost instant results across the most intensely competitive clinical keyword groups.

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Black Fascinator

Due to not being a proper hat, the Fascinator is still effective when doing a little bit of optimication on a black hatted website.  You will normally be able to rank at number 10 or less when you use this for a fashionable website or one selling wedding gear.  Despite being black, it does not work for funeral sites – except in Liverpool.

Black Fedora

Black Fedora

Black Fedora - The ultimate Black Hat!

Only level 9 members of the most secretive order of the Chapeau du Noir are able to successfully utilise the enormous power of the famed black fedora.  This remarkable piece of dark black headgear confers almost limitless power on the wearer when it comes to any type of cross site scripting, or SQL injection technique.  Wearers are able to use otherwise blocked API techniques to mass create blogger domains that use stealth cloaking to block all visitors and redirect using 307 to a pharmacy or predatory lending website.  If the Fedora is used in conjunction with black Ray Bans and leather pants, other Doors are opened to the wearer, including the ability to generate on demand number 1 rankings in Google without the use of more traditional techniques such as Meta Rank, or Latent Semantic Eigenvector Distributions across the Social Hierarchy Graph!

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Hidden Masonic Symbolism in the Google Home Page

A lot of SOE people talk about knowing the secret to ranking well in the Google search engine, but a conversation I had the other day suggests that the secrets might be more arcane than simply adding Meta Keywords and applying semantic latencies within the interaction vectors.  This is particularly worrying, and unveils a whole new raft of complications for anyone wanting to enjoy success online.

I recently met with a former Google employee who revealed some frightening things about the world’s third largest search engine which left me feeling a little alarmed.  The ex-employee, who worked in a highly important position within the search giant’s office cleaning team claims to have overheard senior engineers talking about the arcane symbolism that underpins the search engine infrastructure, and BOASTING about how they are able to hide their masonic symbols in plain view on the iconic Google front page.

Some of the most overt facts that he revealed are shown below:

Secretly encoded masonic symbols on the Google home page are hidden in plain sight

Secretly encoded masonic symbols on the Google home page are hidden in plain sight

Some of the most notable signs in the page include:

  • The golden circle of Azramoth in the centre of the word Google
  • The inclusion of a downward pointing triangle which represents the sacred feminine
  • A check box that looks like the all seeing eye
  • The word privacy, which is representative of the secrets of masonry
  • An advanced search option which is only available to 33rd Degree Masons

More alarming than the clearly obvious symbols above is the other well hidden masonic symbol – the unfinished pyramid:

An unfinished pyramid hidden in the Google front Page

An unfinished pyramid hidden in the Google front Page

Astonishing no?

What is most alarming is the fact that the golden circle of Azramoth is now the all seeing eye in the heart of the capstone of the pyramid, and is coloured gold.  The search box forms the break between the body of the pyramid and the capstone, and is symbolically the place where knowledge is sought.

This kind of arcane symbolism on one of the world’s most popular web pages is fairly alarming, but what is even more frightening is the fact that the company also hides a common masonic symbol within the single pixel gif image that is used as part of their tracking system.  When you look at the single pixel image normally, it looks like this:

Practically invisible, but when you enlarge the single white pixel to a higher magnification, you get this:

this is what you see when you enlarge the Google tracking Gif 1 million times!

this is what you see when you enlarge the Google tracking Gif 1 million times!

So, with such obvious evidence, what can you do?

It appears that there are a number of highly secretive Google Meta Tags that you can insert into your web pages in order to make it clear that you are initiated.  Beware of using these if you are not entitled, as there are severe penalties for using them:

Many of the special tags have an unknown effect, however based on the the advice of a 33rd degree mason in the Scottish Rite, in order to rank at number 1 use the following:

 <meta name="author" content="Tyrian Architect" keyword="all" />

Websites that use the above tag without proper authority from their local Grand Lodge will often be banned, however it is possible to request re-inclusion within Google by emailing them with the following content and your website’s domain:

Is there no help for the widow's son?

Remember, this information has been a tightly held Googler secret since 1833, and should not be misused in any way.

Happy Optimising.

Namaskara

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