Posts Tagged Google

Has the Googler been sniffing through your bin?

Aside from the four figure salary, and the satisfaction of getting one of my keywords into the top 20 results, one of the most rewarding things about being a world leading SOE expert is the endless adulation.  At some searching conferences, I can barely move for young up and coming SOE wannabes waving pieces of paper at me to beg for an autograph and a ranking tip.

Sometimes this goes too far however, and it is not unusual for sneaky black cap SOEs to try and steal my top secret techniques by sitting next to me and trying to catch a glimpse of my notes.  Until recently, I thought that this underhand behaviour was only being done by the darker SOE types, however, in a shocking development it seems that The Googler may well be using a special sniffing technology to steal secret information from SOE professionals.

Rumour has it that the Googler uses a special car and drives around looking for people who are using computers, and then injects a probe into their internet to steal some of their mega bites:

the googler stealing someones internets

the googler stealing someone's internets

No-one is completely certain why the Googler should be so keen to steal other peoples internets, as it is widely believed that it already has more than 700 webs inside its dating centre, although I have my suspectings.

I think that the Insiders at the Googleplex have discovered that someone has cracked the secret code of what will make a website go number one forever.  This could have potentially put them somewhere close to a red alert.  They would need to find out where the secret is hidden and the easiest way to do it is to scan every single internet to find it.

The safest way to stop the Googler sniffing through your cgi bin is to use a firing wall.  This simple device stops unwanted internets from getting into your computer.

Stay safe out there.

Namaskara.

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Evidence that Google is Evil?

As one of the world’s top SOE consultants, I am privy to a lot more information about the internal workings of Google and other searching engines like Dogpile, but even I was shocked recently when I overheard a discussion between two well placed insiders that revealed a dark truth about what is really going on at Google.

My contact, who claims to be a level 9 Hygiene Consultant within the Human Matter Management division at the searching giant has provided me with a shocking dossier that proves without a shadow of a doubt the evil at the heart of Google…

Evil Googler

Is the Googler Evil?

Exhibit A: Googly Logo

The Google Logo might look like a nice happy word, but look closer.  When you magnify the Google logo to 1,000 times its normal resolution on the screen, it is clear that there are barely perceptible lines around certain letters that turn the logo into something much more sinister, as shown in the computationally enhanced image below:

666gle

Hidden numbers in the Google logo!

The numbers 666 are clearly visible within the deeper contextual pixelation of the word, hidden in plain sight for the dozens of people who visit the page each day.

Exhibit B: Mission Statement

Google’s stated aim as a business is to “not be evil”.  Simply by removing the first word from this statement, we are left with the pseudo semantic substructure of hatred that actually underpins one of the world’s most famous companies:

Don't Be Evil

Don't? Be Evil

Indeed, if you were to actually spend the time to do a Googly for the phrase “Be Evil”, Google itself is listed at position 7!

Exhibit C: Function

Many members of the illuminati, who are often very evil, believe that their role is to enlighten humanity with access to information.  Sound familiar??????

Exhibit D: Content

Thanks to its extensive use of linguistic function analysis, and the use of high frequency deep level semantic eigenvector distribution throughout its collocated searching engine, the Googler provides near instant access to more than 1000 different pages of information including around 350 unique types of pornography making up around 50% of the total:

Content of the Internet

Content of Google's Internet

As every good school boy knows, self abuse is part of the temptation triangle, and that simply thinking about one’s parts of shame is sufficient to descend to damnation.  The fact that the Googler provides access to Germanic volumes of mucky pictures is all the evidence you need to know that the Googler is evil.

Be careful out there!

Namaskara

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What Nexus One Means For SOE

January 5th 2010 will be remembered forever as the day the world changed.  The Nexus One was launched, and at a stroke, everything was different.  Until last week, people have only been able to enjoy websites at home, but now, thanks to the genius shown by the boffins at Google, you can carry the whole Internet in your pocket, and read it wherever you are!

Thanks to a miracle of technology and the use of some incredibly complex document containment algorithms, the Nexus One can display the internet to people wherever they are – in full colour!

Of course, this brings a whole raft of new challenges for SOE professionals – until now, we only had to concentrate on performing the optimisation of a website once so that it would appear at number one in the results, but now, it is necessary to make sure that no matter where people are when they have a go on the Internet, they are still able to find the website.

Getting Online

When you first open your Nexus One, it comes with a full factory installed version of the Internet – although because the phone is in American, a lot of the words are spelled wrong.  The clever thing about the Nexus One is that everytime you plug it in to charge it downloads a new copy of the Internet overnight so that you can get all the latest news and pictures and keep it up to date.

Screen Size

In order to get the Internet into a pocket sized device like the Nexus One, Google have had to shrink all of the pages significantly to make them fit.  Whereas a normal sized website on a proper computer can feature a screen resolution of up to 800 by 600px, this does not all fit onto a Nexus, which only has a screen that can display 800 by 480 pixels, which is 25% less!

Web page resolution for Nexus One

Web page resolution for Nexus One

In order to rank well in a portable Google, your website needs to be in a resolution that fits.  Having said that, you also need to remember that not everyone will get a Nexus, and you still want to have a resolution that works in a home Internet too.  We recommend that you compromise, and design your pages with a resolution of 800x540px, which is half way in between.

Keyword Density

Because the web page is 25% smaller, you will also need to think about your keyword density – whereas on a web page for the proper Internet, you need to use a density of 16.7%, this simply will not work on a Nexus One portable Internet.  In order to fit in with the complex latent semantic eigenvectors that are employed within the floating point calculations utilised when rendering portable Internet pages, you need to scale the keyword density employed on the web page using a parabolic distribution curve – our testing shows that for a page to rank at number one in a portable Google, it needs to have a keyword density of precisely 13.45% – and you can use a maximum of 243 words.

Special Google

Of course, being able to carry the whole Internet around in portable form is no use whatsoever if you can’t remember where things are, so every Nexus One comes complete with a special Google.  The real Google is one of the biggest websites around – according to some sources it has more than 5,000 pages!  Having that much content inside it would make the Nexus to heavy for most people to carry with them, so Google have designed a special light weight Googler that is just 5% of the size of the proper one – but still manages to read the Internet and help you find things:

What the Different types of Google Look Like

Size Comparison between regular and portable googlers

Although the portable version of the Googler is only 5% of the size of the full one, it still contains most of the same algorithmic functions as its larger counterpart – the difference is in its speed.  While the latest version of the Googler that works on a proper computer is able to read around 150 pages each hour, the smaller version can only do 50 – which is pretty good considering its size.  To get around this restriction, the Nexus One Googler runs constantly day and night to ensure that every time you update the Internet, you are able to find what you are looking for quickly.

Other Features

In addition to carrying a copy of the Internet, the Nexus One also has a number of other features including being able to send and receive text messages, take photographs with a built in (!) camera, and even make phone calls.  Of course this is quite difficult, as although the boffins at Google managed to fit the whole Internet into the Nexus One, they neglected to add a keypad, so it is difficult to dial a phone number.

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2009 The year in SOE

2009 The year in SOE
2009 has been an epic year in SOE.  We have seen the launch of new search engines, and massive changes to the way in which Google have ranked websites.  More and more businesses around the world have embraced search engine optification to the point where online businesses are now competing with dozens of different websites every day.  In what could over time become a tradition, we look back over 2009 – the year in SOE to see what the key happenings were each month.
January
Google Cyril Update – A massive emphasis shift in the ranking algorithm added +2 Strength and +3 Skill to Websites that incorporated strong latency within their semantic distribution space, while simultaneously penalising websites with -2 health and -1 luck if they contained keyword density vectors of less than 18.25%.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
February
Dogpile Meta Issues – Dozens of websites in the popular Dogpile Search Engine lost rankings overnight when the search giant amended its algorithm to reduce the value of the Meta Author tag.  Black Tuesday saw more than seventeen previously successful websites disappear entirely.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
March
Google Derek Update – Building on the huge changes of Cyril, Derek was a further refinement of the new ranking algorithm that factored a +1 luck modifier into websites that incorporated green text into their home page.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
April
Google Edward Update – Websites that included intent eigenvectors within their social engagement curvature were enriched with a +2 modifier to all attack variables across entry pages optimised for the term “cost effective” rather than cheap.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
May
Bing Launched – Technology start-up Micro-Soft launched a new internet called Bing.  Sites incorporating Siverlight and ASP saw a boost in traffic as the Binglebot crawled all 5,000 websites in the world in less than 10 minutes.
Google Frank Update – Google’s response to the launch of Bing was predictable.  The company provided a boost to all 200 websites that incorporated the rel=”nobing” attribution in their link architecture.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
June
The engineering department at Googleplex were on holiday this month, which meant that no new websites were made.  To capitalise on the lack of activity from the Googler, Bingle engineers released the first update to their searcher – Codenamed Aaron, it added a +3.4 modifier to all defensive rolls for websites that included the rel=”weluvbill” attribute on every image.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
July
It was Bing’s turn for a holiday in July, so Google unleashed the Gordon update.  Any website that blocked Bingle from crawling it got a +5 rankings boost, and Google also introduced full support for the Meta Ranking tag, making it the first search engine to incorporate a Dutch auction model for rankings.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
August
Bing announced that it was planning to take over Yahoo – a staggering level of growth in such a short time – in response, Google launched a secret bid to buy the Internet, although this failed when the company could not meet the £250,000 asking price for the computer where the Internet is hosted.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
September
Google Horace Update – Google gave all websites with green h1 tags an extra PageRank, which made a big difference to rankings.  Some websitemasters boasted of getting up to a hundred extra visitors as a result.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
October
Google Chocolate Update – Although described as a change to the Googler infrastructure rather than a ranking update, many webmasters claimed that the new results unfairly punished them with a -2 luck modifier on attacking pages and a -3 strength change on pages with an expressed defensive eigenvector held in the top 4 lines of code.  Google Engineers suggested that this was merely an echo of a previous update being expressed in the code.  Nonetheless, the search company quietly retired chocolate a week later.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
November
Google Idris Update – A major upgrade to the Googler’s intelligence circuits resulted in websites with pictures on them becoming more of a force in the internet world.  SOE professionals quickly discovered that a single pixel image that had the main keyword as its alt text would practically guarantee a ranking between position one and fifty due to a +3.2 strength update to PageRank for websites with relevant images.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
December
Google Joshua Update – An all new Googler was released as part of the Joshua Update in December.  This new version was able to simultaneously handle seven enquiries at once, and also provide updates via the popular micro-blogging service Jaiku.
The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.
Search Casualties
Increased competition in search saw a number of high profile search engines die on the vine over the course of the year in 2009.  Some of the most notable engines that will not see 2010 were as follows:
Searchbot.com
Searchfunk.com
Directorysearch.com
Usearchwesearchallsearch.com
Doasearchnow.com
Pleasesearch.com
Betterthangoogle.com
Greatinternetsearchengine.com
Cuill.com
2010 Predictions
Having spoken to our contacts within the highly secretive web site relevancy and ranking teams at the major search engines, we received the following tip-offs about what is happening next year:
Dogpile.com
We plan to double the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.
Lycos.com
We plan to treble the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.
Infoseek.com
We plan to quadruple the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.
Ask.com
We plan to retire the Jeeves mascot and introduce a new character and unique marketing plan – watch this space.
Bing
We plan to exponentially increase the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.
Google
We plan to infinitely increase the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to our users – watch this space.
Quote of the year
Larry Page to Bill Gates on the subject of Bing:
Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force
Predictions for 2010
The Googler Funding Bill is passed. The system goes online on August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. The Googler begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th.

2009 has been an epic year in SOE.  We have seen the launch of new search engines, and massive changes to the way in which Google have ranked websites.  More and more businesses around the world have embraced search engine optification to the point where online businesses are now competing with dozens of different websites every day.  In what could over time become a tradition, we look back over 2009 – the year in SOE to see what the key happenings were each month.

January

Google Cyril Update – A massive emphasis shift in the ranking algorithm added +2 Strength and +3 Skill to Websites that incorporated strong latency within their semantic distribution space, while simultaneously penalising websites with -2 health and -1 luck if they contained keyword density vectors of less than 18.25%.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

February

Dogpile Meta Issues – Dozens of websites in the popular Dogpile Search Engine lost rankings overnight when the search giant amended its algorithm to reduce the value of the Meta Author tag.  Black Tuesday saw more than seventeen previously successful websites disappear entirely.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

March

Google Derek Update – Building on the huge changes of Cyril, Derek was a further refinement of the new ranking algorithm that factored a +1 luck modifier into websites that incorporated green text into their home page.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

April

Google Edward Update – Websites that included intent eigenvectors within their social engagement curvature were enriched with a +2 modifier to all attack variables across entry pages optimised for the term “cost effective” rather than cheap.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

May

Bing Launched – Technology start-up Micro-Soft launched a new internet called Bing.  Sites incorporating Siverlight and ASP saw a boost in traffic as the Binglebot crawled all 5,000 websites in the world in less than 10 minutes.

Google Frank Update – Google’s response to the launch of Bing was predictable.  The company provided a boost to all 200 websites that incorporated the rel=”nobing” attribution in their link architecture.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

June

The engineering department at Googleplex were on holiday this month, which meant that no new websites were made.  To capitalise on the lack of activity from the Googler, Bingle engineers released the first update to their searcher – Codenamed Aaron, it added a +3.4 modifier to all defensive rolls for websites that included the rel=”weluvbill” attribute on every image.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

July

It was Bing’s turn for a holiday in July, so Google unleashed the Gordon update.  Any website that blocked Bingle from crawling it got a +5 rankings boost, and Google also introduced full support for the Meta Ranking tag, making it the first search engine to incorporate a Dutch auction model for rankings.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

August

Bing announced that it was planning to take over Yahoo – a staggering level of growth in such a short time – in response, Google launched a secret bid to buy the Internet, although this failed when the company could not meet the £250,000 asking price for the computer where the Internet is hosted.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

September

Google Horace Update – Google gave all websites with green h1 tags an extra PageRank, which made a big difference to rankings.  Some websitemasters boasted of getting up to a hundred extra visitors as a result.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

October

Google Chocolate Update – Although described as a change to the Googler infrastructure rather than a ranking update, many webmasters claimed that the new results unfairly punished them with a -2 luck modifier on attacking pages and a -3 strength change on pages with an expressed defensive eigenvector held in the top 4 lines of code.  Google Engineers suggested that this was merely an echo of a previous update being expressed in the code.  Nonetheless, the search company quietly retired chocolate a week later.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

November

Google Idris Update – A major upgrade to the Googler’s intelligence circuits resulted in websites with pictures on them becoming more of a force in the internet world.  SOE professionals quickly discovered that a single pixel image that had the main keyword as its alt text would practically guarantee a ranking between position one and fifty due to a +3.2 strength update to PageRank for websites with relevant images.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

December

Google Joshua Update – An all new Googler was released as part of the Joshua Update in December.  This new version was able to simultaneously handle seven enquiries at once, and also provide updates via the popular micro-blogging service Jaiku.

The Launch of Blekko was postponed for one month pending refinements, although additional funding was secured.

Search Casualties

Increased competition in search saw a number of high profile search engines die on the vine over the course of the year in 2009.  Some of the most notable engines that will not see 2010 were as follows:

  • Searchbot.com
  • Searchfunk.com
  • Directorysearch.com
  • Usearchwesearchallsearch.com
  • Doasearchnow.com
  • Pleasesearch.com
  • Betterthangoogle.com
  • Greatinternetsearchengine.com
  • Cuill.com

Search Engine Goals for 2010

Having spoken to our contacts within the highly secretive web site relevancy and ranking teams at the major search engines, we received the following tip-offs about what is happening next year:

Dogpile.com

We plan to double the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.

Lycos.com

We plan to treble the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.

Infoseek.com

We plan to quadruple the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.

Ask.com

We plan to retire the Jeeves mascot and introduce a new character and unique marketing plan – watch this space.

Blekko

We plan to launch a genuine competitor to Google next month, and we have secured additional funding.

Bing

We plan to exponentially increase the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to both our users – watch this space.

Google

We plan to infinitely increase the size of our index to provide greater relevancy to our users – watch this space.

Quote of the year

Larry Page to Bill Gates on the subject of Bing:

“Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”

Our Prediction for 2010

The Googler Funding Bill is passed. The system goes online on August 4th, 2010. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. The Googler begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th.

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Google Personalised Search – The Truth

There has been a lot of chatter recently from some of the so called SOE experts about what Personalised Search means for the world.  As usual, a great deal of what is being written about personalised search talks about advanced technology, but there is a lot more to the Googler’s new abilities than just some tweaks to the software – Personalised Search marks the beginning of a new age of computer intelligence.  According to our source who works in a top secret hygiene management role at the Googleplex, Personalised search is something truly ground breaking.  The Googler has developed the ability to read your mind!

How Personalised Search results are generated by the Googler

How Personalised Search results are generated by the Googler

The highly trained handlers of the Googler have discovered that the vast intelligence contained in its robot brain can be trained to pick up tiny, barely perceptible signals called “intent vectors” and process these in order to determine what the searcher really wants!

In most cases, the intent vectors used by the Googler to generate and understand the motivation of the searcher are comparatively obvious, and include factors such as the semantic orientation of the language used.  These are processed heuristically, through the standard latent semantic eigenvector profiling that Google has used since 2008 in order to provide a deterministic relation matrix that can be overlaid in the social application graph and used to improve the 0-rating of the search results and refine them to meet the demographic character of the searcher.

It goes further…

According to our source, users who have downloaded the Google Toolbar and Google Desktop Control System can enjoy even more refined results.  The Googler is now able to interface with other software and hardware connected to the client machine and utilise this as part of the search result generation process.

The Googler will investigate the user interaction with the various parts of their computer and compare this information with a pre-existing database to develop an understanding of user intent and serve up the most appropriate results pages.  Our source compared the behavioural understanding of the upgraded Googler to “Derren Brown on Steroids” and claimed that the pace of development scared him “to the quivering core of my existence.”

How Tension in your mouse hand reflects your intent when searching

How Tension in your mouse hand reflects your intent when searching

As shown in the top secret diagram above, the Googler uses cues such as the tension in a user’s hand as they control their mouse to determine the non semantic intent that correlates against the keyword selection used, and feeds this back into the search results to ensure that they are correctly personalised.

The Googler’s highly complex understanding algorithm can determine the difference between a regular user and an SOE professional, and also whether a person is doing research or wanting to buy something, and then give them the best possible set of results.

Happy optimising

Namaskara

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Hidden Masonic Symbolism in the Google Home Page

A lot of SOE people talk about knowing the secret to ranking well in the Google search engine, but a conversation I had the other day suggests that the secrets might be more arcane than simply adding Meta Keywords and applying semantic latencies within the interaction vectors.  This is particularly worrying, and unveils a whole new raft of complications for anyone wanting to enjoy success online.

I recently met with a former Google employee who revealed some frightening things about the world’s third largest search engine which left me feeling a little alarmed.  The ex-employee, who worked in a highly important position within the search giant’s office cleaning team claims to have overheard senior engineers talking about the arcane symbolism that underpins the search engine infrastructure, and BOASTING about how they are able to hide their masonic symbols in plain view on the iconic Google front page.

Some of the most overt facts that he revealed are shown below:

Secretly encoded masonic symbols on the Google home page are hidden in plain sight

Secretly encoded masonic symbols on the Google home page are hidden in plain sight

Some of the most notable signs in the page include:

  • The golden circle of Azramoth in the centre of the word Google
  • The inclusion of a downward pointing triangle which represents the sacred feminine
  • A check box that looks like the all seeing eye
  • The word privacy, which is representative of the secrets of masonry
  • An advanced search option which is only available to 33rd Degree Masons

More alarming than the clearly obvious symbols above is the other well hidden masonic symbol – the unfinished pyramid:

An unfinished pyramid hidden in the Google front Page

An unfinished pyramid hidden in the Google front Page

Astonishing no?

What is most alarming is the fact that the golden circle of Azramoth is now the all seeing eye in the heart of the capstone of the pyramid, and is coloured gold.  The search box forms the break between the body of the pyramid and the capstone, and is symbolically the place where knowledge is sought.

This kind of arcane symbolism on one of the world’s most popular web pages is fairly alarming, but what is even more frightening is the fact that the company also hides a common masonic symbol within the single pixel gif image that is used as part of their tracking system.  When you look at the single pixel image normally, it looks like this:

Practically invisible, but when you enlarge the single white pixel to a higher magnification, you get this:

this is what you see when you enlarge the Google tracking Gif 1 million times!

this is what you see when you enlarge the Google tracking Gif 1 million times!

So, with such obvious evidence, what can you do?

It appears that there are a number of highly secretive Google Meta Tags that you can insert into your web pages in order to make it clear that you are initiated.  Beware of using these if you are not entitled, as there are severe penalties for using them:

Many of the special tags have an unknown effect, however based on the the advice of a 33rd degree mason in the Scottish Rite, in order to rank at number 1 use the following:

 <meta name="author" content="Tyrian Architect" keyword="all" />

Websites that use the above tag without proper authority from their local Grand Lodge will often be banned, however it is possible to request re-inclusion within Google by emailing them with the following content and your website’s domain:

Is there no help for the widow's son?

Remember, this information has been a tightly held Googler secret since 1833, and should not be misused in any way.

Happy Optimising.

Namaskara

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The New Googlle Logo

I was just doing some advanced research about some cutting edge SOE techniques for a presentation and training session I will be running later this month, when I noticed a stunning change to the Google home page.

It looks as though the company has rebranded as Googlle – with two Ls:

Is it possible that the Welsh have taken over Google?

Is it possible that the Welsh have taken over Google?

One possible reason for this change is that the company has been taken over by the Welsh.  This is not as unlikely as you might think.  Despite their reputation for being short, thick, and poor, the Welsh are actually quite astute when it comes to business, and thanks to the wealth of gold buried in their mountains, it is quite conceivable that they have sufficient resources to take over a large web searching engine company like Google.

I for one welcome our new Welsh leaders, and look forward to the chance to pit my wits against them in the never ending challenge of getting great rankings for my many fortune 500 clients.

heddwch.

Edit: 8:33pm

It seems as though I may have jumped the gun a little bit on this post.  Apparently the ll refers to this being Googles eleventh birthday, however I would still recommend being careful about the Welsh.

Namaskara

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